DRAMA
The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in the
second for all our hope, and in the last for all our charity.--_Eugene
Walter_.
The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't having a
good time. He cared nothing for the Shakespearean drama.
"What's the greatest play you ever saw?" the young woman asked,
observing his abstraction.
Instantly he brightened.
"Tinker touching a man out between second and third and getting the ball
over to Chance in time to nab the runner to first!" he said.
LARRY--"I like Professor Whatishisname in Shakespeare. He brings things
home to you that you never saw before."
HARRY--"Huh! I've got a laundryman as good as that."
I think I love and reverence all arts equally, only putting my own just
above the others.... To me it seems as if when God conceived the world,
that was Poetry; He formed it, and that was Sculpture; He colored it,
and that was Painting; He peopled it with living beings, and that was
the grand, divine, eternal Drama.--_Charlotte Cushman_.
Two women were leaving the theater after a performance of "The Doll's
House."
"Oh, don't you _love_ Ibsen?" asked one, ecstatically. "Doesn't he just
take all the hope out of life?"
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DEMOCRATIC PARTY
HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN--"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward or a--" MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic." ... DENTISTRY
Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, and there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in his eye, and he held out a baby tooth. "How did you pull it?" demanded his mother. "Oh," he said bravely, "it was ea... DENTISTS
The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain employment for his own. One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to hear her say: "An... DESCRIPTION
A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a willowy figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She must have been raised in the lumber regions.--_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_. ... DESIGN, DECORATIVE
Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace she had just crocheted. "Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned. "Out of my head," she answered lightly. "Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked a... DESTINATION
A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, has succeeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting excitement to the names of the national capitol's streets. On a recent Sunday morning he was calling the streets thus:... DETAILS
Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about the importance of detail. "Those who work for me," he said, "follow my directions down to the very smallest item. To go wrong in detail, you know, is often to go altogether wrong--lik... DETECTIVES
When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantly recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When the great literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said quite respectfully: "If you please, sir, I should m... DETERMINATION
After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is said to have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a Democratic merchant: MERCHANT (_with a sigh_)--"Well, the old General is dead." BROKER (_with a shrug_)--"Yes, he's gone... DIAGNOSIS
An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written: "This is to inform the house-surgeon that this... DIET
Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye diet.--_William Gilmore Beymer_. There was a young lady named Perkins, Who had a great fondness for gherkins; She went to a tea And ate twenty-three, Which pickled her internal workin... DILEMMAS
A story that has done service in political campaigns to illustrate supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in every political "heated term." Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of the western mountains... DINING
A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic marathon.--_John E. Rosser_. "That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand, turn over, and do such queer stunts." "I am not surprised; he never did have good table m... DIPLOMACY
WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home." HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? The one with the soulful eyes and--" WIFE--"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's work is done, de... DISCIPLINE
_See_ Military discipline; Parents. ... DISCOUNTS
A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pockets of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a traveling salesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished out $200, but rapidly took $4 from the pile and plac... DISCRETION
When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club. ... DISPOSITION
One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the killing of a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carcass?" he wrote: "Kind and gentle." There... DISTANCES
A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. A rancher rode past. "... DIVORCE
"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week what would you call it?" "Taking his name in vain."--_Princeton Tiger_. ... DOGS
LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"The poor little darling, where did you find him?" TRAMP--"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning the windows wiv 'im!" A family moved from the city to a ... DOMESTIC FINANCE
"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategist himself." "As to how?" "Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found it out yet."--_Washington Herald_. A Lakewood woman was recently reading to her... DOMESTIC RELATIONS
There was a young man of Dunbar, Who playfully poisoned his Ma; When he'd finished his work, He remarked with a smirk, "This will cause quite a family jar." _See also_ Families; Marriage. ... DRAMA
The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in the second for all our hope, and in the last for all our charity.--_Eugene Walter_. The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't having a good time. He ca... DRAMATIC CRITICISM
Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism. "I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard in the lobby of a theater the other night at the end of the play." "The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, wh... DRAMATISTS
"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards." "Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snow storm scene." "So you think the author of this play will live, do you?" remarked the tourist. "Yes," rep... DRESSMAKERS
WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter." HUSBAND--"What letter?" WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by the writing, and you turned pale when you saw it." HUSBAND--"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's bill." ... DRINKING
He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober, Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October; But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow, Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow. --_Parody on Fletcher_. I drink when I have occas... DROUGHTS
Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona, noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country. "Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives. "Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's b... DRUNKARDS
Sing a song of sick gents, Pockets full of rye, Four and twenty highballs, We wish that we might die. Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out nearly all night. "Don't your wife miss you on these oc... DYSPEPSIA
"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia." "And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look healthy enough." "Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has." ... ECHOES
An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes,... ECONOMY
An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some other person's expenses. Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some day, want something which you probably won't want.--_Anthony Hope_. Eco... EDITORS
Recipe for an editor: Take a personal hatred of authors, Mix this with a fiendish delight In refusing all efforts of genius And maiming all poets on sight. --_Life_. The city editor of a great New York daily was known in t... EDUCATION
Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly after that he "struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with having more wealth than any one else in Colorado. A man of ... EFFICIENCY
An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army maneuvers. He was especially impressed with the German motor ambulances. As the tourist watched the maneuvers from a seat under a tree, the axle of one of the motor ambulances broke. Inst... EGOTISM
In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below the dignity of a man of ten years. "Why," said the teacher, "George Washington did his own sewing in the wars, and do you think you are better than George Washington?" "I don't kn... ELECTIONS
In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and Germans. In a recent election a local option question was up. After the election some Germans were counting the votes. One German was calling off and another taking down the option vot... ELECTRICITY
In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is the difference between lightning and electricity?" And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for lightning." ... EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS
A young gentleman was spending the week-end at little Willie's cottage at Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there being a scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza, the young gentleman took Willie on his lap. Then, during a paus... EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES
"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11 a month right in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it." "Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who treats his help that way can hang on to his business." EARN... ENEMIES
An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife sent for a near-by preacher to pray with him. The preacher spent some time praying and talking, and finally the old man said: "What do you want me to do, Parson?" "Renounce the Devi... ENGLAND
_See_ Great Britain. ... ENGLISH LANGUAGE
A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading: "Please do not touch the Lift at your own risk." The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and each verb considered was used in a model sentence, so that the students... ENGLISHMEN
He who laughs last is an Englishman.--_Princeton Tiger_. Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became the center of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the comedian a cigar, saying that it was a new production. "Wit... ENTHUSIASM
Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book "Fifty Years of Work Without Wages," tells a good story against himself. A nature enthusiast, he was climbing Snowdon, and overtook an old gypsy woman. He began to dilate upon the sublimity of the sc...