After Dinner Speeches
Employers And Employees
Steamships And Steamboats
Joke Topics Home
He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober,
Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October;
But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow,
Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow.
--_Parody on Fletcher_.
I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no
I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I could wish courtesy
would invent some other custom of entertainment.--_Shakespeare_.
The Frenchman loves his native wine;
The German loves his beer;
The Englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf,
Because it brings good cheer;
The Irishman loves his "whiskey straight,"
Because it gives him dizziness;
The American has no choice at all,
So he drinks the whole blamed business.
A young Englishman came to Washington and devoted his days and nights to
an earnest endeavor to drink all the Scotch whiskey there was. He
couldn't do it, and presently went to a doctor, complaining of a
"Quit drinking!" ordered the doctor.
"But, my dear sir, I cawn't. I get so thirsty."
"Well," said the doctor, "whenever you are thirsty eat an apple instead
of taking a drink."
The Englishman paid his fee and left. He met a friend to whom he told
"Bally rot!" he protested. "Fawncy eating forty apples a day!"
If you are invited to drink at any man's house more than you think is
wholesome, you may say "you wish you could, but so little makes you both
drunk and sick; that you should only be bad company by doing so."--_Lord
There is many a cup 'twixt the lip and the slip.--_Judge_.
One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it breaks a New Year's
DOCTOR (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)--"What do you drink."
SANDY (with brightening face)--"Oh, I'm nae particular, doctor! Anything
you've got with ye."
Here's to the girls of the American shore,
I love but one, I love no more,
Since she's not here to drink her part,
I'll drink her share with all my heart.
A well-known Scottish architect was traveling in Palestine recently,
when news reached him of an addition to his family circle. The happy
father immediately provided himself with some water from the Jordan to
carry home for the christening of the infant, and returned to Scotland.
On the Sunday appointed for the ceremony he duly presented himself at
the church, and sought out the beadle in order to hand over the precious
water to his care. He pulled the flask from his pocket, but the beadle
held up a warning hand, and came nearer to whisper:
"No the noo, sir; no the noo! Maybe after the kirk's oot!"
When President Eliot of Harvard was in active service as head of the
university, reports came to him that one of his young charges was in the
habit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him, and President
Eliot determined to do his duty and look into the matter.
Meeting the young man under suspicion in the yard shortly after
breakfast one day the president marched up to him and demanded, "Young
man, do you drink?"
"Why, why, why," stammered the young man, "why, President Eliot, not so
early in the morning, thank you."
WIFE (on auto tour)--"That fellow back there said there is a road-house
a few miles down the road. Shall we stop there?"
HUSBAND--"Did he whisper it or say it out loud?"
A priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irish
parishioners to get a shave. He observed the barber was suffering from a
recent celebration, but decided to take a chance. In a few moments the
barber's razor had nicked the father's cheek. "There, Pat, you have cut
me," said the priest as he raised his hand and caressed the wound. "Yis,
y'r riv'rance," answered the barber. "That shows you," continued the
priest, in a tone of censure, "what the use of liquor will do." "Yis,
y'r riv'rance," replied the barber, humbly, "it makes the skin tender."
Ex-congressman Asher G. Caruth, of Kentucky, tells this story of an
experience he once had on a visit to a little Ohio town.
"I went up there on legal business," he says, "and, knowing that I
should have to stay all night, I proceeded directly to the only hotel.
The landlord stood behind the desk and regarded me with a kindly air as
I registered. It seems that he was a little hard of hearing, a fact of
which I was not aware. As I jabbed the pen back into the dish of bird
shot, I said:
"'Can you direct me to the bank?'
"He looked at me blankly for a second, then swinging the register
around, he glanced down swiftly, caught the 'Louisville' after my name,
and an expression of complete understanding lighting up his countenance,
"'Certainly, sir. You will find the bar right through that door at the
_See also_ Drunkards; Good fellowship; Temperance; Wine.
Random Joke Topics
Public Service Corporations