After Dinner Speeches
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There was a young girl named O'Neill,
Who went up in the great Ferris wheel;
But when half way around
She looked at the ground,
And it cost her an eighty-cent meal.
Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in town, but
nobody ever thought he was careless enough to marry Susan Rankin,
seeing that he had known her for years. For awhile they got along fairly
well but one day after five years of it John hung himself in the attic,
where Susan used to dry the wash on rainy days, and a carpenter, who
went up to the roof to do some repairs, found him there. He told Susan,
and Susan hurried up to see about it, and, sure enough, the carpenter
was right. She stood looking at her late husband for about a
minute--kind of dazed, the carpenter thought--then she spoke.
"Well, I declare!" she exclaimed. "If he hasn't used my new
clothes-line, and the old would have done every bit as well! But, of
course, that's just like John Polkinhorn."
"The editor of my paper," declared the newspaper business manager to a
little coterie of friends, "is a peculiar genius. Why, would you believe
it, when he draws his weekly salary he keeps out only one dollar for
spending money and sends the rest to his wife in Indianapolis!"
His listeners--with one exception, who sat silent and reflective--gave
vent to loud murmurs of wonder and admiration.
"Now, it may sound thin," added the speaker, "but it is true,
"Oh, I don't doubt it at all!" quickly rejoined the quiet one; "I was
only wondering what he does with the dollar!"
An Irish soldier was recently given leave of absence the morning after
pay day. When his leave expired he didn't appear. He was brought at last
before the commandant for sentence, and the following dialogue is
"Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe engagement."
"Have you any money left?"
"You had $35 when you left the fort, didn't you?"
"What did you do with it?"
"Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a friend, and we went into a
place and spint $8. Thin we came out and I met another friend and we
spint $8 more, and thin I come out and we met another friend and we
spint $8 more, and thin we come out and we met another bunch of friends,
and I spint $8 more--and thin I come home."
"But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What did you do with the other $3?"
Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and said:
"I dunno, colonel, I reckon I must have squandered that money
Random Joke Topics
Public Service Corporations
Baths And Bathing
Collecting Of Accounts