FATHERS
A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing
his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history.
Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it
represented. Baby answered "Coty."
Pointing to a picture of a tiger in the same way, she answered "Kitty."
Then a lion, and she answered "Doggy." Elated with her seeming quick
perception, he then turned to the picture of a Chimpanzee and said:
"Baby, what is this?"
"Papa."
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ETIQUET
A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish they would not do it." "Why not? I think it is very nice of them," said her friend, settling herself comfortabl... EUROPEAN WAR
OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)--"You fool! Come back at once!" TOMMY--"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the trench."--_Punch_. "You can tell an Englishman nowadays by the way he holds his head up." "Prid... EVIDENCE
From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory, a policeman had managed to extract two prisoners. "What is the charge against these young men?" asked the magistrate before whom they were arraigned. "Disturbin' the peace, yer ... EXAMINATIONS
An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacred history, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was not, for God took him." So many times was this repeated in connection with the death of Enoch that he thought even th... EXCUSES
The children had been reminded that they must not appear at school the following week without their application blanks properly filled out as to names of parents, addresses, dates and place of birth. On Monday morning Katie Barnes arrived, the tea... EXPOSURE
TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure." WOMAN--"Are you a tramp, politician or financier?"--_Judge_. ... EXTORTION
_See_ Dressmakers. ... EXTRAVAGANCE
There was a young girl named O'Neill, Who went up in the great Ferris wheel; But when half way around She looked at the ground, And it cost her an eighty-cent meal. Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in t... FAILURES
Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true, father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?" His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey," he finally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as... FAITH
Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets.--_Country Life in America_. "What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher. "Pa says," answers Johnny,... FAITHFULNESS
A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a trial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually increased the size of his load until on the last tr... FAME
Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on the part of people who are not thinking of you. Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened to meet an editor who was hard up for material. Were... FAMILIES
"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails." Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had b... FAREWELLS
Happy are we met, Happy have we been, Happy may we part, and Happy meet again. A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went around to the car... FASHION
There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_. There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said h... FATE
Fate hit me very hard one day. I cried: "What is my fault? What have I done? What causes, pray, This unprovoked assault?" She paused, then said: "Darned if I know; I really can't explain." Then just before she turned to go She ... FATHERS
A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history. Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it represented. Baby answered "Coty."... FAULTS
Women's faults are many, Men have only two-- Everything they say, And everything they do. --_Le Crabbe_. ... FEES
_See_ Tips. ... FEET
BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?" LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?" ... FIGHTING
"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?" "Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it."--_Life_. "There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is torn to bits," said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the door. "How many ti... FINANCE
Willie had a savings bank; 'Twas made of painted tin. He passed it 'round among the boys, Who put their pennies in. Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought Sweetmeats and chewing gum. And to the other envious lads He never o... FINGERBOWLS
MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked for have them on the table?" BRIDGET--"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they came... FIRE DEPARTMENTS
Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines. Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out! The fire department's coming." Turning in by th... FIRE ESCAPES
Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law. ... FIRES
"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday." "Sh! Next Thursday." ... FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY
The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, "so please come at once." "I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor. "Oh please do, Doctor. You see,... FISH
A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen fried oysters." "Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah, 'ceptin' eggs." Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, an... FISHERMEN
At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could be found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President always used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from the cellar, and the child was found to w... FISHING
A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake in Colorado which he had in contemplation. "Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend. "Thousands of 'em," replied Mr. Wharry. "Will they bite easily?" asked anot... FLATS
"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?" "Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can buy a folding toothbrush?" She hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she took refuge in a flood of tear... FLATTERY
With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell. "The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever." "But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded. She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained, hurri...