FISH
A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen
fried oysters."
"Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah,
'ceptin' eggs."
Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, and the
mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter, said:
"These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the larger
fish."
Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked:
"But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?"
More
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FAME
Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on the part of people who are not thinking of you. Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened to meet an editor who was hard up for material. Were... FAMILIES
"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails." Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had b... FAREWELLS
Happy are we met, Happy have we been, Happy may we part, and Happy meet again. A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went around to the car... FASHION
There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_. There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said h... FATE
Fate hit me very hard one day. I cried: "What is my fault? What have I done? What causes, pray, This unprovoked assault?" She paused, then said: "Darned if I know; I really can't explain." Then just before she turned to go She ... FATHERS
A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history. Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it represented. Baby answered "Coty."... FAULTS
Women's faults are many, Men have only two-- Everything they say, And everything they do. --_Le Crabbe_. ... FEES
_See_ Tips. ... FEET
BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?" LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?" ... FIGHTING
"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?" "Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it."--_Life_. "There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is torn to bits," said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the door. "How many ti... FINANCE
Willie had a savings bank; 'Twas made of painted tin. He passed it 'round among the boys, Who put their pennies in. Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought Sweetmeats and chewing gum. And to the other envious lads He never o... FINGERBOWLS
MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked for have them on the table?" BRIDGET--"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they came... FIRE DEPARTMENTS
Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines. Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out! The fire department's coming." Turning in by th... FIRE ESCAPES
Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law. ... FIRES
"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday." "Sh! Next Thursday." ... FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY
The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, "so please come at once." "I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor. "Oh please do, Doctor. You see,... FISH
A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen fried oysters." "Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah, 'ceptin' eggs." Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, an... FISHERMEN
At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could be found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President always used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from the cellar, and the child was found to w... FISHING
A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake in Colorado which he had in contemplation. "Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend. "Thousands of 'em," replied Mr. Wharry. "Will they bite easily?" asked anot... FLATS
"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?" "Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can buy a folding toothbrush?" She hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she took refuge in a flood of tear... FLATTERY
With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell. "The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever." "But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded. She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained, hurri... FLIES
_See_ Pure food. ... FLIRTATION
It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is attention without intention. "There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle." "Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in for a wedding or a breach... FLOWERS
Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I know why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the dirt." ... FOOD
A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a piece of old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not understanding and yet unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge, brought the customer a piece of chocolate cake. "No, no,... FOOTBALL
His SISTER--"His nose seems broken." His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth." His MOTHER--"But he didn't drop the ball!"--_Life_. ... FORDS
A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a Ford automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his position, then sang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other skate?" A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb s... FORECASTING
A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid. "Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the air. "Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off three weeks frum Wednesday?" Then, noticing an undecided look in he... FORESIGHT
"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her bosom friend Ann said. "Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for pullin' the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of mine, and the Magistrate said that ... FORGETFULNESS
_See_ Memory. ... FORTUNE HUNTERS
HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you fixed the day of the wedding?" SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancée." H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?" S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir." ... FOUNTAIN PENS
"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers do." "It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing with pleasure. "I've had a good deal o...