GARDENING
Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they
go a fishin'.--_Abe Martin_.
"I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months
from now I won't be kicking about your prices."
"No," said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to sell
vegetables so cheap."
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FORTUNE HUNTERS
HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you fixed the day of the wedding?" SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancée." H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?" S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir." ... FOUNTAIN PENS
"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers do." "It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing with pleasure. "I've had a good deal o... FOURTH OF JULY
"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?" "Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day at least once a year." One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall advertised special attractions to Ameri... FREAKS
_See_ Husbands. ... FREE THOUGHT
TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?" POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married." ... FRENCH LANGUAGE
"I understand you speak French like a native." "No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent down pretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures." In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between the acts ... FRESHMEN
_See_ College Students. ... FRIENDS
The Lord gives our relatives, Thank God we can choose our friends. "Father." "Well, what is it?" "It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.' Is that so, Father?" "Yes, yes, yes." "Well, Father, if a good man keeps ... FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF
A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the Society of Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid Quakeresses who took seats directly behind her in the Broad Street Station. After a few minutes' silence she was somewhat s... FRIENDSHIP
Friendly may we part and quickly meet again. There's fellowship In every sip Of friendship's brew. May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friendship. Here's to the four hinges of Friendship-- Swearing, L... FUN
Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs.--_Abe Martin_. _See also_ Amusements. ... FUNERALS
There was an old man in a hearse, Who murmured, "This might have been worse; Of course the expense Is simply immense, But it doesn't come out of my purse." ... FURNITURE
GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?" HOST--"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for furniture to match." ... FUTURE LIFE
A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead. "Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all th... GARDENING
Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they go a fishin'.--_Abe Martin_. "I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months from now I won't be kicking about your prices." "No," said the grocer; ... GAS STOVES
A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. It so happened that the Georgia woman had ... GENEROSITY
"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybody is. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me mither, and the young man tells me I can get a money or... GENTLEMEN
"Sadie, what is a gentleman?" "Please, ma'am," she answered, "a gentleman's a man you don't know very well." Two characters in Jeffery Farnol's "Amateur Gentleman" give these definitions of a gentleman: "A gentleman is a fellow who goes ... GERMANS
The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At the dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was so silent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks. "Quite right," responded Heine, "but to-night I hav... GHOSTS
"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar dyes, told some friends in New York recently. "Personally, in the course of a fairly long career, I have heard at f... GIFTS
When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent a check for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter, Felicia Robson, who attended the wedding conveyed the gift. "Felicia," said her father upon her return, "did you give h... GLUTTONY
A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mince pie. A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to die. "No," the sick man replied, "But I should be ashamed to die from eating too much." There was ... GOLF
Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour. As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock: "Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'." "The morrn'?" Jock repeated. "Aye, mon, the morrn'... GOOD FELLOWSHIP
A glass is good, a lass is good, And a pipe to smoke in cold weather, The world is good and the people are good, And we're all good fellows together. May good humor preside when good fellows meet, And reason prescribe when'ti... GOSSIP
A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_Dick Dickinson_. Gossips are the spies of life. "However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?" "I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to each other." ... GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the government?" "I might if I didn't know who controlled the government."--_Life_. ... GOVERNORS
The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governor solemnly throughout the repast. Finally... GRAFT
"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner. "Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to apologize constantly for not having money, and the remai...