After Dinner Speeches
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"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner.
"Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which
ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to
apologize constantly for not having money, and the remainder to explain
how they got it."
LADY--"I guess you're gettin' a good thing out o' tending the rich Smith
boy, ain't ye, doctor?"
DOCTOR--"Well, yes; I get a pretty good fee. Why?"
LADY--"Well, I hope you won't forget that my Willie threw the brick that
Every man has his price, but some hold bargain sales.--_Satire_.
The Democrats had a clear working majority in ----, Illinois, for a
number of years. But when the Fifteenth Amendment went into effect it
enfranchised so many of the "culled bredren" as to make it apparent to
the party leaders that unless a good many black votes could be bought
up, the Republicans would carry the city election. Accordingly advances
were made to the Rev. Brother ----, whose influence it was thought
desirable to secure, inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes of
his entire church.
He was found "open to conviction," and arrangements progressed
satisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary to
secure his vote and influence.
With an air of offended dignity, Brother ---- replied:
"Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist Church dis
ting has gone jes as far as my conscience will 'low; but, gemmen, my son
will call round to see you in de mornin'."
A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor's, donned his new
suit, and left his old one for repairs. Then he sought a café and
refreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his pocket for the money
to settle his check, he realized that he had neglected to transfer both
purse and watch when he left his suit. As he hesitated, somewhat
embarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor at his feet. Seizing it
thankfully, he stepped to the cashier's desk and presented both check
"That was a two dollar bill," he explained when he counted his change.
"I know it," said the cashier, with a toss of her blond head. "I'm
dividing with you. I saw it first."
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