After Dinner Speeches
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_Winifred C. Bristol_.
Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had
helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again.
"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after her
"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered.
"And is your husband a good provider?"
"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic reply. "Why,
jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at."
"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do."
"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile."
"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?"
"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his wife."--_Judge_.
A popular society woman announced a "White Elephant Party." Every guest
was to bring something that she could not find any use for, and yet too
good to throw away. The party would have been a great success but for
the unlooked-for development which broke it up. Eleven of the nineteen
women brought their husbands.
A very man--not one of nature's clods--
With human failings, whether saint or sinner:
Endowed perhaps with genius from the gods
But apt to take his temper from his dinner.
--_J. G. Saxe_.
A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrella
like a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she might put out
the eye of the man behind her.
"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped.
OLD MONEY (dying)--"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you sometimes,
YOUNG WIFE--"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always remember how very
kind you were when you left me."
An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his late
hours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in the
following way of his attempt to get in unnoticed:
"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my clothes in the
hall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip into bed with the ease
"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on jumping in
the bed with us. So when I began to slide under the covers she stirred
in her sleep and pushed me on the head.
"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said.
"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick her
hand, and she dozed off again!"
MR. HOMEBODY--"I see you keep copies of
all the letters you write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeating
MR. FARAWAY--"No. To avoid contradicting myself."
There is gladness in his gladness, when he's glad,
There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad;
But the gladness in his gladness,
Nor the sadness in his sadness,
Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad.
_See also_ Cowards; Domestic finance.
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