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Husbands
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"Is she making him a good wife?"
"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband."
A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but
unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided
between them. The wife decided to continue business as an exhibitor at
the old address, but the husband went on a tour.
After some years' wandering the prodigal returned, and a reconciliation
took place, as the result of which they became business partners once
more. A few mornings afterward the people of the neighborhood were sent
into fits of laughter on reading the following notice in the papers:
"By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been permanently
increased."
An eminent German scientist who recently visited this country with a
number of his colleagues was dining at an American house and telling how
much he had enjoyed various phases of his visit.
"How did you like our railroad trains?" his host asked him.
"Ach, dhey are woonderful," the German gentleman replied; "so swift, so
safe chenerally--und such luxury in all dhe furnishings und
opp'indmends. All is excellent excebt one thing--our wives do not like
dhe upper berths."
A couple of old grouches at the Metropolitan Club in Washington were one
night speaking of an old friend who, upon his marriage, took up his
residence in another city. One of the grouches had recently visited the
old friend, and, naturally, the other grouch wanted news of the
Benedict.
"Is it true that he is henpecked?" asked the second grouch.
"I wouldn't say just that," grimly responded the first grouch, "but I'll
tell you of a little incident in their household that came within my
observation. The very first morning I spent with them, our old friend
answered the letter carrier's whistle. As he returned to us, in the
breakfast room, he carried a letter in his hand. Turning to his wife, he
said:
"'A letter for me, dear. May I open it?'"--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman.
"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddy
feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."
NEIGHBOR--"I s'pose your Bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the hangels now?"
LONG-SUFFERING WIDOW--"Not 'im. 'Ittin' the hangels wiv the 'arp's
nearer 'is mark!"
"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to another
during a talk.
"No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply.
"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a husband--you're a
habit."
MR. HENPECK--"Is my wife going out, Jane?"
JANE--"Yessir."
MR. HENPECK--"Do you know if I am going with her?"
A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock,
and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had an
amusing old colored woman for a cook.
One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for the
mistress, the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husband
send you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"
"Certainly, my husband, Mammy," proudly answered the lady.
"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well."
An absent-minded man was interrupted as he was finishing a letter to his
wife, in the office. As a result, the signature read:
Your loving husband,
Next: HOPKINS BROS.
Previous: HURRY
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