INSTALMENT PLAN
Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying
instalments on.
More
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HUSBANDS
"Is she making him a good wife?" "Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband." A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided between the... HYBRIDIZATION
We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenter attached to the Berlin War Office, who ... HYPERBOLE
"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to out in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thought my fortune was sure made. However, I... HYPOCRISY
Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness. TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?" TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."--_Graham Charteris_. ... IDEALS
The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeing an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams,... ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new." The patient went off gayly to w... IMAGINATION
One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about their respective ages. "I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May, and your's don't come till September." "Of course your birthday comes firs... IMITATION
Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _As You Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick edifice. One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the b... INFANTS
A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you have the baby half the time." "Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!" "Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights." "Is the baby strong?" "Well, rather! Y... INQUISITIVENESS
_See_ Wives. ... INSANITY
_See_ Editors; Love. ... INSPIRATIONS
She was from Boston, and he was not. He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew nothing, and their books, of which he knew less. Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and Juliet?'" He fl... INSTALMENT PLAN
Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying instalments on. ... INSTRUCTIONS
A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned to the young man in uniform. ... INSURANCE BLANKS
_See_ Irish bulls. ... INSURANCE, LIFE
A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other day. "Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked. "No," said the man. "Do you motor?" "No." "Do you, then, perhaps, fly?" "No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I... INSURGENTS
"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call that kind of cucumber?" "That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It doesn't always agree with a party." ... INTERVIEWS
"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?" "No," replied Senator Soghum. "But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?" "Those were not my views. Those were my interviews." ... INVITATIONS
"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to the attitude of the couple. The invitati... IRISH BULLS
Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot th... IRISHMEN
A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a brick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_. Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New England preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a spar... IRREVERENCE
There were three young women of Birmingham, And I know a sad story concerning 'em: They stuck needles and pins In the reverend shins Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. A few years ago Henry... JEWELS
The girl with the ruby lips we like, The lass with teeth of pearl, The maid with the eyes like diamonds, The cheek-like-coral girl; The girl with the alabaster brow, The lass from the Emerald Isle. All these we like, but not... JEWS
What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the banana. He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively at the little oily Jew ...