MILITARY DISCIPLINE
Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and
by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop.
"Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount without
orders."
Murphy was no sooner in the saddle than he was thrown to the ground.
"Murphy!" yelled the sergeant, when he discovered him lying breathless
on the ground, "you dis
"I did."
"Did you have orders?"
"I did."
"From headquarters, I suppose?"
"No, sor; from hintquarters."
"How dare you come on parade," exclaimed an Irish sergeant to a recruit,
"before a respictible man loike mysilf smothered from head to foot in
graise an' poipe clay? Tell me now--answer me when I spake to yez!"
The recruit was about to excuse himself for his condition when the
sergeant stopped him.
"Dare yez to answer me when I puts a question to yez?" he cried. "Hould
yer lyin' tongue, and open your face at yer peril! Tell me now, what
have ye been doin' wid yer uniform an' arms an' bills? Not a word, or
I'll clap yez in the guardroom. When I axes yez anything an' yez spakes
I'll have yez tried for insolence to yer superior officer, but if yez
don't answer when I questions yez, I'll have yez punished for
disobedience of orders! So, yez see, I have yez both ways!"
Mistake, error, is the discipline through which we advance.--_Channing_.
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LIVING
_See_ Cost of living. ... LOST AND FOUND
"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised 'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'" "What were you in for?" asked the friend. "I found a horse." "Found a ho... LOVE
Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's board-bill for life. MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?" MRS. SLIMPURSE--"Yes... LOYALTY
Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the other morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock that evening, got into his auto and started for town. At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began... LUCK
Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meet it.--_Douglas Jerrold_. O, once in each man's life, at least, Good luck knocks at his door; And wit to seize the flitting guest Need never hunger more. But whi... MAINE
The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what the people of different states were called. "Now," he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers'; the people from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from Michi... MAKING GOOD
"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired Rufus. "Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz playin' wif him one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red, an' on blue to see him turn blue, an' on green to see h... MALARIA
The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and proceeded to ask the usual questions. "It--er--seems," said he, regarding the unfortunate with scientific interest, "that the attacks of fever and the chills appear on alternate d... MARKS(WO)MANSHIP
An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in New Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in attempting to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog, assistance came in the shape of his wife. When the woman came u... MARRIAGE
MRS. QUACKENNESS--"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah Sagg?" MRS. SAGG--"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a husband dat's skeered to death of her!" "Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of fever and... MARRIAGE FEES
A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the consenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of financial resources. The father was obdu... MATHEMATICS
_See_ Arithmetic. ... MATRIMONY
_See_ Marriage. ... MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short and stout friend on Washington Street. "What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other. "Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to Brother Sm... MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS
PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?" THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of a perfect kid." ... MEDICINE
The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his medicine case, gave the animal so... MEEKNESS
One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the library table, upon which were sp... MEMORIALS
Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes. Said the cook: "Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers on my grave. Jes' plant... MEMORY
"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that you remember seeing George Washington--am I mistaken?" "No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him... MEN
Here's to the men! God bless them! Worst of me sins, I confess them! In loving them all; be they great or small, So here's to the boys! God bless them! May all single men be married, And all married men be happy. "Wh... MESSAGES
"Have you the rent ready?" "No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you." "Did she tell you she'd forgotten?" "Yes, sir." One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, who, while floating in t... METAPHOR
It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out: "It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the teeth of the advancing wave that is sounding the... MICE
"What's the matter with Briggs?" "He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the floor."--_Life_. ... MIDDLE CLASSES
WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?" PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything." ... MILITANTS
_See_ Suffragettes. ... MILITARY DISCIPLINE
Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop. "Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount without orders." Murphy was no sooner in t... MILLINERS
Recipe for a milliner: To a presence that's much more than queenly, Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere; You feel like a worm in her sight when she says, "Only $300, my dear!" --_Life_. ... MILLIONAIRES
Recipe for a multi-millionaire: Take a boy with bare feet as a starter Add thrift and sobriety, mixed-- Flavor with quarts of religion, And see that the tariff is fixed. --_Life_. MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)--"Be off with you... MINORITIES
Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of his plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience: "What do you think of it?" This startled everybody for the time being, but presently a man in the pit assembled his scattered wits a... MISERS
There was an old man of Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket; But his daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man-- And as for the bucket, Nantucket. A mere madness, to live like a wretch, and die rich.--_Robert Burton_. ... MISSIONARIES
SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!" HE--"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste in religion!" At a meeting of the Women's Foreign Missionary Society in a large city church a discussion arose... MISSIONS
"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, as she entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffing broken toys, headless dolls, ragged clothes and general debris into an open box. "Why, mother," cried Hilda, ... MISTAKEN IDENTITY
There was a young fellow named Paul, Who went to a fancy dress ball; They say, just for fun He dressed up like a bun, And was "et" by a dog in the hall. A Scottish woman, who was spending her holidays in London, entered a bric... MOLLYCODDLES
"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's mother, who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a new boy on the block. "I thought you were such good chums." "We was," replied Tommy superciliously, "but he's a moll... MONEY
In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks for children. One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and withdrew 2 cents from his account. Monday morning he promptly returned the money. "So you didn't spend y... MORAL EDUCATION
Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. An interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the other who had done nothing. "Well," repli... MOSQUITOES
Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in Oklahoma City recently, told this story, illustrating a point he made: "A northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern colonel on a fishing-trip. It was his first visit to the... MOTHERS
While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of General Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses driven before a plow by a burly slave. Finer animals he had never seen. When his eyes had feasted on their beauty he cri... MOTHERSINLAW
Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man. "Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?" Justice Brewer smiled and answered: "Two mothers-in-law." SHE--"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?" ... MOTORCYCLES
The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community, and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by without any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, however, when a motorcycle followed closely in its wak... MOUNTAINS
Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of having victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at long range) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of mountains. It is said that the captain of a steamboat on... MOVING PICTURES
"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest." "Not exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to be. This revolution is being financed by a moving-picture concern." ... MUCKRAKING
The way of the transgressor is well written up. ... MULES
Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty equally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's brigade was known all through the army as the Christian brigade, a... MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT
"What's the trouble in Plunkville?" "We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission." "Well?" "Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to some good magazine." ... MUSEUMS
It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took six of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but their enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their open-eyed wonder at the prehistoric fossils amply repaid ... MUSIC
The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the lady who stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the dots on her veil. A thief broke into a Madison aven... MUSICIANS
FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to your house, as I suggested?" BOY--"Yes, sir." FATHER-"And what did he say?" BOY--"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had better give up playin' the pianner."... NAMES, PERSONAL
Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded, "Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian name?" "Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.--_John Pear... NATIVES
FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays the planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet." FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT--"I've no doubt that's meant to be very funny, Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' you...