After Dinner Speeches
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A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o'
"What color," he asked.
"Flesh cullah, suh."
Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster.
The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was ominous, but her
face was unruffled as she noted the color of the contents and said:
"I ast for flesh cullah, an' you done give me skin cullah." A cart
containing a number of negro field hands was being drawn by a mule. The
driver, a darky of about twenty, was endeavoring to induce the mule to
increase its speed, when suddenly the animal let fly with its heels and
dealt him such a kick on the head that he was stretched on the ground in
a twinkling. He lay rubbing his woolly pate where the mule had kicked
"Is he hurt?" asked a stranger anxiously of an older negro who had
jumped from the conveyance and was standing over the prostrate driver.
"No, Boss," was the older man's reply; "dat mule will probably walk kind
o' tendah for a day or two, but he ain't hurt."
In certain parts of the West Indies the negroes speak English with a
broad brogue. They are probably descended from the slaves of the Irish
adventurers who accompanied the Spanish settlers.
A gentleman from Dublin upon arriving at a West Indian port was accosted
by a burly negro fruit vender with, "Th, top uv th' mornin' to ye, an'
would ye be after wantin' to buy a bit o' fruit, sor?"
The Irishman stared at him in amazement.
"An' how long have ye been here?" he finally asked.
"Goin' on three months, yer Honor," said the vender, thinking of the
time he had left his inland home.
"Three months, is it? Only three months an' as black as thot? Faith,
I'll not land!"
Dinah, crying bitterly, was coming down the street with her feet
"Why, what on earth's the matter?" she was asked. "How did you hurt your
"Dat good fo' nothin' nigger [sniffle] done hit me on de haid wif a club
while I was standin' on de hard stone pavement."
"'Liza, what fo' yo' buy dat udder box of shoe-blacknin'?"
"Go on, Nigga', dat ain't shoe-blacknin', dat's ma massage cream!"
"Johnny," said the mother as she vigorously scrubbed the small boy's
face with soap and water, "didn't I tell you never to blacken your face
again? Here I've been scrubbing for half an hour and it won't come off."
"I--I--ouch!" sputtered the small boy; "I ain't your little boy.
I--ouch! I'se Mose, de colored lady's little boy."
The day before she was to be married an old negro servant came to her
mistress and intrusted her savings to her keeping.
"Why should I keep your money for you? I thought you were going to be
married?" said the mistress.
"So I is, Missus, but do you 'spose I'd keep all dis yer money in de
house wid dat strange nigger?"
A southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. George
received nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had his eyes on
a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out fast enough
to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters somewhat by rubbing
grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the spot, he called George and
asked if he had noticed it. George said, "Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed
dat spot and tried mighty hard to get it out, but I couldn't."
"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked.
"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good."
"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?"
"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but dat
spot wouldn't come out."
"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a last
"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll fit."
A negro went into a hardware shop and asked to be shown some razors, and
after critically examining those submitted to him the would-be purchaser
was asked why he did not try a "safety," to which he replied: "I ain'
lookin' for that kind. I wants this for social purposes."
Before a house where a colored man had died, a small darkey was standing
erect at one side of the door. It was about time for the services to
begin, and the parson appeared from within and said to the darkey: "De
services are about to begin. Aren't you a-gwine in?"
"I'se would if I'se could, parson," answered the little negro, "but yo'
see I'se de crape."
_See also_ Chicken stealing.
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