NEGROES
A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o'
cou't-plaster."
"What color," he asked.
"Flesh cullah, suh."
Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster.
The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was ominous, but her
face was unruffled as she noted the color of the contents and said:
"I ast for flesh cul
containing a number of negro field hands was being drawn by a mule. The
driver, a darky of about twenty, was endeavoring to induce the mule to
increase its speed, when suddenly the animal let fly with its heels and
dealt him such a kick on the head that he was stretched on the ground in
a twinkling. He lay rubbing his woolly pate where the mule had kicked
him.
"Is he hurt?" asked a stranger anxiously of an older negro who had
jumped from the conveyance and was standing over the prostrate driver.
"No, Boss," was the older man's reply; "dat mule will probably walk kind
o' tendah for a day or two, but he ain't hurt."
In certain parts of the West Indies the negroes speak English with a
broad brogue. They are probably descended from the slaves of the Irish
adventurers who accompanied the Spanish settlers.
A gentleman from Dublin upon arriving at a West Indian port was accosted
by a burly negro fruit vender with, "Th, top uv th' mornin' to ye, an'
would ye be after wantin' to buy a bit o' fruit, sor?"
The Irishman stared at him in amazement.
"An' how long have ye been here?" he finally asked.
"Goin' on three months, yer Honor," said the vender, thinking of the
time he had left his inland home.
"Three months, is it? Only three months an' as black as thot? Faith,
I'll not land!"
Dinah, crying bitterly, was coming down the street with her feet
bandaged.
"Why, what on earth's the matter?" she was asked. "How did you hurt your
feet, Dinah?"
"Dat good fo' nothin' nigger [sniffle] done hit me on de haid wif a club
while I was standin' on de hard stone pavement."
"'Liza, what fo' yo' buy dat udder box of shoe-blacknin'?"
"Go on, Nigga', dat ain't shoe-blacknin', dat's ma massage cream!"
"Johnny," said the mother as she vigorously scrubbed the small boy's
face with soap and water, "didn't I tell you never to blacken your face
again? Here I've been scrubbing for half an hour and it won't come off."
"I--I--ouch!" sputtered the small boy; "I ain't your little boy.
I--ouch! I'se Mose, de colored lady's little boy."
The day before she was to be married an old negro servant came to her
mistress and intrusted her savings to her keeping.
"Why should I keep your money for you? I thought you were going to be
married?" said the mistress.
"So I is, Missus, but do you 'spose I'd keep all dis yer money in de
house wid dat strange nigger?"
A southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. George
received nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had his eyes on
a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out fast enough
to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters somewhat by rubbing
grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the spot, he called George and
asked if he had noticed it. George said, "Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed
dat spot and tried mighty hard to get it out, but I couldn't."
"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked.
"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good."
"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?"
"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but dat
spot wouldn't come out."
"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a last
resort.
"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll fit."
A negro went into a hardware shop and asked to be shown some razors, and
after critically examining those submitted to him the would-be purchaser
was asked why he did not try a "safety," to which he replied: "I ain'
lookin' for that kind. I wants this for social purposes."
Before a house where a colored man had died, a small darkey was standing
erect at one side of the door. It was about time for the services to
begin, and the parson appeared from within and said to the darkey: "De
services are about to begin. Aren't you a-gwine in?"
"I'se would if I'se could, parson," answered the little negro, "but yo'
see I'se de crape."
_See also_ Chicken stealing.
More
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MEMORIALS
Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes. Said the cook: "Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers on my grave. Jes' plant... MEMORY
"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that you remember seeing George Washington--am I mistaken?" "No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him... MEN
Here's to the men! God bless them! Worst of me sins, I confess them! In loving them all; be they great or small, So here's to the boys! God bless them! May all single men be married, And all married men be happy. "Wh... MESSAGES
"Have you the rent ready?" "No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you." "Did she tell you she'd forgotten?" "Yes, sir." One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, who, while floating in t... METAPHOR
It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out: "It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the teeth of the advancing wave that is sounding the... MICE
"What's the matter with Briggs?" "He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the floor."--_Life_. ... MIDDLE CLASSES
WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?" PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything." ... MILITANTS
_See_ Suffragettes. ... MILITARY DISCIPLINE
Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop. "Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount without orders." Murphy was no sooner in t... MILLINERS
Recipe for a milliner: To a presence that's much more than queenly, Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere; You feel like a worm in her sight when she says, "Only $300, my dear!" --_Life_. ... MILLIONAIRES
Recipe for a multi-millionaire: Take a boy with bare feet as a starter Add thrift and sobriety, mixed-- Flavor with quarts of religion, And see that the tariff is fixed. --_Life_. MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)--"Be off with you... MINORITIES
Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of his plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience: "What do you think of it?" This startled everybody for the time being, but presently a man in the pit assembled his scattered wits a... MISERS
There was an old man of Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket; But his daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man-- And as for the bucket, Nantucket. A mere madness, to live like a wretch, and die rich.--_Robert Burton_. ... MISSIONARIES
SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!" HE--"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste in religion!" At a meeting of the Women's Foreign Missionary Society in a large city church a discussion arose... MISSIONS
"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, as she entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffing broken toys, headless dolls, ragged clothes and general debris into an open box. "Why, mother," cried Hilda, ... MISTAKEN IDENTITY
There was a young fellow named Paul, Who went to a fancy dress ball; They say, just for fun He dressed up like a bun, And was "et" by a dog in the hall. A Scottish woman, who was spending her holidays in London, entered a bric... MOLLYCODDLES
"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's mother, who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a new boy on the block. "I thought you were such good chums." "We was," replied Tommy superciliously, "but he's a moll... MONEY
In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks for children. One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and withdrew 2 cents from his account. Monday morning he promptly returned the money. "So you didn't spend y... MORAL EDUCATION
Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. An interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the other who had done nothing. "Well," repli... MOSQUITOES
Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in Oklahoma City recently, told this story, illustrating a point he made: "A northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern colonel on a fishing-trip. It was his first visit to the... MOTHERS
While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of General Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses driven before a plow by a burly slave. Finer animals he had never seen. When his eyes had feasted on their beauty he cri... MOTHERSINLAW
Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man. "Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?" Justice Brewer smiled and answered: "Two mothers-in-law." SHE--"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?" ... MOTORCYCLES
The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community, and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by without any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, however, when a motorcycle followed closely in its wak... MOUNTAINS
Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of having victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at long range) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of mountains. It is said that the captain of a steamboat on... MOVING PICTURES
"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest." "Not exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to be. This revolution is being financed by a moving-picture concern." ... MUCKRAKING
The way of the transgressor is well written up. ... MULES
Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty equally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's brigade was known all through the army as the Christian brigade, a... MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT
"What's the trouble in Plunkville?" "We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission." "Well?" "Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to some good magazine." ... MUSEUMS
It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took six of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but their enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their open-eyed wonder at the prehistoric fossils amply repaid ... MUSIC
The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the lady who stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the dots on her veil. A thief broke into a Madison aven... MUSICIANS
FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to your house, as I suggested?" BOY--"Yes, sir." FATHER-"And what did he say?" BOY--"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had better give up playin' the pianner."... NAMES, PERSONAL
Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded, "Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian name?" "Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.--_John Pear... NATIVES
FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays the planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet." FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT--"I've no doubt that's meant to be very funny, Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' you... NATURE LOVERS
"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?" "What for?" "For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and he hasn't heard a robin this summer." ... NAVIGATION
The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the Captain why he didn't go on. "Can't see up the river, madam." "But, Captain," she persisted, "I can see the stars overhead." "Yes, ma'am," said the Captain, "but until t... NEATNESS
The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of common remark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to appreciate their advantages. A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be another side to the ma... NEGROES
A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o' cou't-plaster." "What color," he asked. "Flesh cullah, suh." Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster. The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was omi... NEIGHBORS
THE MAN AT THE DOOR--"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner." THE WOMAN--"I didn't send for a piano-tuner." THE MAN--"I know it, lady; the neighbors did." ... NEW JERSEY
"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and mosquitoes swarming around you," I said to the shipwrecked mariner who had been cast upon the Jersey sands. "You just bet I had a terrible experience," he acknowledged. "My experience w... NEW YORK CITY
At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the Bishop of New York made a stirring address extolling the powers and possibilities of his state. Bishop Hamilton, of California, like all good Californians, is imbued with the conviction ... NEWS
Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg, Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of newspaper that had blown up on the telegraph wires and caught there. Running to my grandmother in a great state ... NEWSPAPERS
A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you tired, my boy?" "Naw, I don't read 'em," replied the lad. VOX POPULI--"Do you think you've boosted your circul... OBESITY
_See_ Corpulence. ... OBITUARIES
If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills, cramps, corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a sign that you are not well, but liable to die any minute. Pay your subscription in advance and thus make yourself solid... OBSERVATION
In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitious father tried to give some good advice. "Be observing, my son," said the father on one occasion. "Cultivate the habit of seeing, and you will be a successful man. Study things and... OCCUPATIONS
Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, was entertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter inquired: "An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hennessey?" "Sure, he's a di'mond-cuttter." "Ye don't mane it!" "Yis; h... OCEAN
A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down from Boston. "Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following morning. "Sure, I did not, ma'am," was the reply; "the snorin' of the ocean kept me awake all ni... OFFICE BOYS
"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?" "I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three mining-companies now." ... OFFICESEEKERS
A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented in Congress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the national capitol, moved to California where in a year or so he rose to be sufficiently prominent to become a congre... OLD AGE
_See_ Age. ... OLD MASTERS
_See_ Paintings. ... ONIONS
Can the Burbanks of the glorious West Either make or buy or sell An onion with an onion's taste But with a violet's smell? SHE--"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away." HE--"Why stop there? An onion a day will ... OPERA
"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs. Cumrox. "There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her husband. "Yes." "Then I guess it's one of them." ... OPPORTUNITY
Many a man creates his own lack of opportunities.--_Life_. Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis offer'd, Shall never find it more. --_Shakespeare_. In life's small things be resolute and great To keep thy muscles train... OPTIMISM
Optimism is Worry on a spree.--_Judge_. An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn't happen to him. An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to him.--_J.J. O'Connell_. An optimist is a woman w... ORATORS
It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd on the streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, suh, of the conco's befor' the co't house?" To which the majah replied: "General Buckneh is making a speech. Gener... OUTDOOR LIFE
One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled into Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the "mule-skinners," to a man, repaired to the Combination Gambling House and proceeded to load themselves. Late in the afternoon, ... PAINTING
_See_ Art. ... PAINTINGS
She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they reached the best room. "These," said the mistress of t... PANICS
One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent, when an actor appeared on the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "compose yourselves. There is no ... PARENTS
William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting while his father was telling his mother about the new telephone for their house. He sulked awhile, then went to his mother, and, patting her on the cheeks, said, "Mother dear,... PARROTS
Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walking down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking and singing. Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird turned quickly, screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" P... PARTNERSHIP
A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his business as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore resisting between me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firm will settle wid me, and dem what de f... PASSWORDS
"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two years rented a safety-deposit box. "Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old one?" "Gladys." "And what do you wish the new one to be?" "Mabel. Gladys has gone to R... PATIENCE
"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately." "Yes, he is, very." "What is the matter with him?" "He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait." ... PATRIOTISM
General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, his head bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him... PENSIONS
WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace." GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that in case of war the winner pays the pensions."--_Puck_. "Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inqu... PESSIMISM
A pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist.--_Francis Wilson_. How happy are the Pessimists! A bliss without alloy Is theirs when they have proved to us There's no such thing as joy! --_Harold Susman_. A pessimist i... PHILADELPHIA
A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in the borough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer of transplanting his family to the Delaware Water Gap for a few weeks. They were discussing their plans the other day, whe... PHILANTHROPISTS
Little grains of short weight, Little crooked twists, Fill the land with magnates And philanthropists. _See also_ Charity. ... PHILOSOPHY
Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world which you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can have them.--_Puck_. ... PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a friend, was playing in his father's office, during the absence of the doctor, when suddenly the first lad threw open a closet door and disclosed to the terrified gaze of his little f...