NEWSPAPERS
A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of
newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you tired,
my boy?"
"Naw, I don't read 'em," replied the lad.
VOX POPULI--"Do you think you've boosted your circulation by giving a
year's subscription for the biggest potato raised in the county?"
THE EDITOR--"Mebbe not; but I got four bar
COLONEL HIGHFLYER--"What are your rates per column?"
EDITOR OF "SWELL SOCIETY"--"For insertion or suppression?"--_Life_.
EDITOR--"You wish a position as a proofreader?"
APPLICANT--"Yes, sir."
"Do you understand the requirements of that responsible position?"
"Perfectly, sir. Whenever you make any mistakes in the paper, just blame
'em on me, and I'll never say a word."
A prominent Montana newspaper man was making the round of the insane
asylum of that state in an official capacity as an inspector. One of the
inmates mistook him for a recent arrival.
"What made you go crazy?"
"I was trying to make money out of the newspaper business," replied the
editor, to humor the demented one.
"Rats, you're not crazy; you're just a plain darn fool," was the
lunatic's comment.
"Did you write this report on my lecture, 'The Curse of Whiskey'?"
"Yes, madam."
"Then kindly explain what you mean by saying, 'The lecturer was
evidently full of her subject!'"
We clip the following for the benefit of those who doubt the power of
the press:
"Owing to the overcrowded condition of our columns, a number of births
and deaths are unavoidably postponed this week."
"Binks has sued us for libel," announced the assistant editor of the
sensational paper.
The managing editor's face brightened.
"Tell him," he said, "that if he will put up a strong fight we'll
cheerfully pay the damages and charge them up to the advertising
account."
Booth Tarkington says that in no state have the newspapers more
"journalistic enterprise" than in his native Indiana. While stopping at
a little Hoosier hotel in the course of a hunting trip Mr. Tarkington
lost one of his dogs.
"Have you a newspaper in town?" he asked of the landlord.
"Right across the way, there, back of the shoemaker's," the landlord
told him. "The _Daily News_--best little paper of its size in the
state."
The editor, the printer, and the printer's devil were all busy doing
justice to Mr. Tarkington with an "in-our-midst" paragraph when the
novelist arrived.
"I've just lost a dog," Tarkington explained after he had introduced
himself, "and I'd like to have you insert this ad for me: 'Fifty dollars
reward for the return of a pointer dog answering to the name of Rex.
Disappeared from the yard of the Mansion House Monday night.'"
"Why, we are just going to press, sir," the editor said, "but we'll be
only too glad to hold the edition for your ad."
Mr. Tarkington returned to the hotel. After a few minutes he decided,
however, that it might be well to add, "No questions asked" to his
advertisement, and returned to the _Daily News_ office.
The place was deserted, save for the skinny little freckle-faced devil,
who sat perched on a high stool, gazing wistfully out of the window.
"Where is everybody?" Tarkington asked.
"Gawn to hunt for th' dawg," replied the boy.
"You are the greatest inventor in the world," exclaimed a newspaper man
to Alexander Graham Bell.
"Oh, no, my friend, I'm not," said Professor Bell. "I've never been a
reporter."
Not long ago a city editor in Ottumwa, Iowa, was told over the telephone
that a prominent citizen had just died suddenly. He called a reporter
and told him to rush out and get the "story." Twenty minutes later the
reporter returned, sat down at his desk, and began to rattle off copy on
his typewriter.
"Well, what about it?" asked the city editor.
"Oh, nothing much," replied the reporter, without looking up. "He was
walking along the street when he suddenly clasped his hands to his heart
and said, 'I'm going to die!' Then he leaned up against a fence and made
good."
Enraged over something the local newspaper had printed about him, a
subscriber burst into the editor's office in search of the responsible
reporter. "Who are you?" he demanded, glaring at the editor, who was
also the main stockholder.
"I'm the newspaper," was the calm reply.
"And who are you?" he next inquired, turning his resentful gaze on the
chocolate-colored office-devil clearing out the waste basket.
"Me?" rejoined the darky, grinning from ear to ear. "Ah guess ah's de
cul'ud supplement."
Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand
bayonets.--_Napoleon I_.
Newspapers always excite curiosity. No one ever lays one down without a
feeling of disappointment.--_Charles Lamb_.
More
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MICE
"What's the matter with Briggs?" "He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the floor."--_Life_. ... MIDDLE CLASSES
WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?" PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything." ... MILITANTS
_See_ Suffragettes. ... MILITARY DISCIPLINE
Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop. "Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount without orders." Murphy was no sooner in t... MILLINERS
Recipe for a milliner: To a presence that's much more than queenly, Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere; You feel like a worm in her sight when she says, "Only $300, my dear!" --_Life_. ... MILLIONAIRES
Recipe for a multi-millionaire: Take a boy with bare feet as a starter Add thrift and sobriety, mixed-- Flavor with quarts of religion, And see that the tariff is fixed. --_Life_. MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)--"Be off with you... MINORITIES
Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of his plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience: "What do you think of it?" This startled everybody for the time being, but presently a man in the pit assembled his scattered wits a... MISERS
There was an old man of Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket; But his daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man-- And as for the bucket, Nantucket. A mere madness, to live like a wretch, and die rich.--_Robert Burton_. ... MISSIONARIES
SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!" HE--"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste in religion!" At a meeting of the Women's Foreign Missionary Society in a large city church a discussion arose... MISSIONS
"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, as she entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffing broken toys, headless dolls, ragged clothes and general debris into an open box. "Why, mother," cried Hilda, ... MISTAKEN IDENTITY
There was a young fellow named Paul, Who went to a fancy dress ball; They say, just for fun He dressed up like a bun, And was "et" by a dog in the hall. A Scottish woman, who was spending her holidays in London, entered a bric... MOLLYCODDLES
"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's mother, who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a new boy on the block. "I thought you were such good chums." "We was," replied Tommy superciliously, "but he's a moll... MONEY
In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks for children. One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and withdrew 2 cents from his account. Monday morning he promptly returned the money. "So you didn't spend y... MORAL EDUCATION
Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. An interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the other who had done nothing. "Well," repli... MOSQUITOES
Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in Oklahoma City recently, told this story, illustrating a point he made: "A northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern colonel on a fishing-trip. It was his first visit to the... MOTHERS
While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of General Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses driven before a plow by a burly slave. Finer animals he had never seen. When his eyes had feasted on their beauty he cri... MOTHERSINLAW
Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man. "Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?" Justice Brewer smiled and answered: "Two mothers-in-law." SHE--"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?" ... MOTORCYCLES
The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community, and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by without any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, however, when a motorcycle followed closely in its wak... MOUNTAINS
Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of having victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at long range) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of mountains. It is said that the captain of a steamboat on... MOVING PICTURES
"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest." "Not exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to be. This revolution is being financed by a moving-picture concern." ... MUCKRAKING
The way of the transgressor is well written up. ... MULES
Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty equally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's brigade was known all through the army as the Christian brigade, a... MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT
"What's the trouble in Plunkville?" "We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission." "Well?" "Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to some good magazine." ... MUSEUMS
It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took six of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but their enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their open-eyed wonder at the prehistoric fossils amply repaid ... MUSIC
The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the lady who stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the dots on her veil. A thief broke into a Madison aven... MUSICIANS
FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to your house, as I suggested?" BOY--"Yes, sir." FATHER-"And what did he say?" BOY--"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had better give up playin' the pianner."... NAMES, PERSONAL
Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded, "Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian name?" "Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.--_John Pear... NATIVES
FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays the planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet." FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT--"I've no doubt that's meant to be very funny, Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' you... NATURE LOVERS
"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?" "What for?" "For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and he hasn't heard a robin this summer." ... NAVIGATION
The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the Captain why he didn't go on. "Can't see up the river, madam." "But, Captain," she persisted, "I can see the stars overhead." "Yes, ma'am," said the Captain, "but until t... NEATNESS
The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of common remark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to appreciate their advantages. A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be another side to the ma... NEGROES
A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o' cou't-plaster." "What color," he asked. "Flesh cullah, suh." Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster. The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was omi... NEIGHBORS
THE MAN AT THE DOOR--"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner." THE WOMAN--"I didn't send for a piano-tuner." THE MAN--"I know it, lady; the neighbors did." ... NEW JERSEY
"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and mosquitoes swarming around you," I said to the shipwrecked mariner who had been cast upon the Jersey sands. "You just bet I had a terrible experience," he acknowledged. "My experience w... NEW YORK CITY
At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the Bishop of New York made a stirring address extolling the powers and possibilities of his state. Bishop Hamilton, of California, like all good Californians, is imbued with the conviction ... NEWS
Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg, Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of newspaper that had blown up on the telegraph wires and caught there. Running to my grandmother in a great state ... NEWSPAPERS
A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you tired, my boy?" "Naw, I don't read 'em," replied the lad. VOX POPULI--"Do you think you've boosted your circul... OBESITY
_See_ Corpulence. ... OBITUARIES
If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills, cramps, corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a sign that you are not well, but liable to die any minute. Pay your subscription in advance and thus make yourself solid... OBSERVATION
In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitious father tried to give some good advice. "Be observing, my son," said the father on one occasion. "Cultivate the habit of seeing, and you will be a successful man. Study things and... OCCUPATIONS
Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, was entertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter inquired: "An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hennessey?" "Sure, he's a di'mond-cuttter." "Ye don't mane it!" "Yis; h... OCEAN
A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down from Boston. "Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following morning. "Sure, I did not, ma'am," was the reply; "the snorin' of the ocean kept me awake all ni... OFFICE BOYS
"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?" "I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three mining-companies now." ... OFFICESEEKERS
A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented in Congress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the national capitol, moved to California where in a year or so he rose to be sufficiently prominent to become a congre... OLD AGE
_See_ Age. ... OLD MASTERS
_See_ Paintings. ... ONIONS
Can the Burbanks of the glorious West Either make or buy or sell An onion with an onion's taste But with a violet's smell? SHE--"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away." HE--"Why stop there? An onion a day will ... OPERA
"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs. Cumrox. "There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her husband. "Yes." "Then I guess it's one of them." ... OPPORTUNITY
Many a man creates his own lack of opportunities.--_Life_. Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis offer'd, Shall never find it more. --_Shakespeare_. In life's small things be resolute and great To keep thy muscles train... OPTIMISM
Optimism is Worry on a spree.--_Judge_. An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn't happen to him. An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to him.--_J.J. O'Connell_. An optimist is a woman w... ORATORS
It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd on the streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, suh, of the conco's befor' the co't house?" To which the majah replied: "General Buckneh is making a speech. Gener... OUTDOOR LIFE
One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled into Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the "mule-skinners," to a man, repaired to the Combination Gambling House and proceeded to load themselves. Late in the afternoon, ... PAINTING
_See_ Art. ... PAINTINGS
She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they reached the best room. "These," said the mistress of t... PANICS
One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent, when an actor appeared on the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "compose yourselves. There is no ... PARENTS
William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting while his father was telling his mother about the new telephone for their house. He sulked awhile, then went to his mother, and, patting her on the cheeks, said, "Mother dear,... PARROTS
Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walking down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking and singing. Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird turned quickly, screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" P... PARTNERSHIP
A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his business as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore resisting between me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firm will settle wid me, and dem what de f... PASSWORDS
"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two years rented a safety-deposit box. "Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old one?" "Gladys." "And what do you wish the new one to be?" "Mabel. Gladys has gone to R... PATIENCE
"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately." "Yes, he is, very." "What is the matter with him?" "He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait." ... PATRIOTISM
General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, his head bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him... PENSIONS
WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace." GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that in case of war the winner pays the pensions."--_Puck_. "Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inqu... PESSIMISM
A pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist.--_Francis Wilson_. How happy are the Pessimists! A bliss without alloy Is theirs when they have proved to us There's no such thing as joy! --_Harold Susman_. A pessimist i... PHILADELPHIA
A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in the borough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer of transplanting his family to the Delaware Water Gap for a few weeks. They were discussing their plans the other day, whe... PHILANTHROPISTS
Little grains of short weight, Little crooked twists, Fill the land with magnates And philanthropists. _See also_ Charity. ... PHILOSOPHY
Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world which you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can have them.--_Puck_. ... PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a friend, was playing in his father's office, during the absence of the doctor, when suddenly the first lad threw open a closet door and disclosed to the terrified gaze of his little f... PICKPOCKETS
_See_ Thieves; Wives. ... PINS
"Oh, dear!" sighed the wife as she was dressing for a dinner-party, "I can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the pins go to, anyway?" "That's a difficult question to answer," replied her husband, "because they are always pointed in one d... PITTSBURG
"How about that airship?" "It went up in smoke." "Burned, eh?" "Oh, no. Made an ascension at Pittsburg." SKYBOUGH--"Why have you put that vacuum cleaner in front of your airship?" KLOUDLEIGH--"To clear a path. I have an engagement t... PLAY
The mother heard a great commotion, as of cyclones mixed up with battering-rams, and she hurried upstairs to discover what was the matter. There she found Tommie sitting in the middle of the floor with a broad smile on his face. "Oh, Mama," sai... PLEASURE
BILLY--"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your birthday party yesterday." WILLIE--"I bet I did." BILLY--"Then why ain't you sick today?" Winnie had been very naughty, and her mamma said: "Don't you know you will never go to Heave...