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OCEAN
A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down from Boston. "Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following morning. "Sure, I did not, ma'am," was the reply; "the snorin' of the ocean kept me awake all ni... OFFICE BOYS
"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?" "I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three mining-companies now." ... OFFICESEEKERS
A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented in Congress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the national capitol, moved to California where in a year or so he rose to be sufficiently prominent to become a congre... OLD AGE
_See_ Age. ... OLD MASTERS
_See_ Paintings. ... ONIONS
Can the Burbanks of the glorious West Either make or buy or sell An onion with an onion's taste But with a violet's smell? SHE--"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away." HE--"Why stop there? An onion a day will ... OPERA
"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs. Cumrox. "There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her husband. "Yes." "Then I guess it's one of them." ... OPPORTUNITY
Many a man creates his own lack of opportunities.--_Life_. Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis offer'd, Shall never find it more. --_Shakespeare_. In life's small things be resolute and great To keep thy muscles train... OPTIMISM
Optimism is Worry on a spree.--_Judge_. An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn't happen to him. An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to him.--_J.J. O'Connell_. An optimist is a woman w... ORATORS
It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd on the streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, suh, of the conco's befor' the co't house?" To which the majah replied: "General Buckneh is making a speech. Gener... OUTDOOR LIFE
One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled into Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the "mule-skinners," to a man, repaired to the Combination Gambling House and proceeded to load themselves. Late in the afternoon, ... PAINTING
_See_ Art. ... PAINTINGS
She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they reached the best room. "These," said the mistress of t... PANICS
One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent, when an actor appeared on the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "compose yourselves. There is no ... PARENTS
William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting while his father was telling his mother about the new telephone for their house. He sulked awhile, then went to his mother, and, patting her on the cheeks, said, "Mother dear,... PARROTS
Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walking down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking and singing. Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird turned quickly, screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" P... PARTNERSHIP
A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his business as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore resisting between me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firm will settle wid me, and dem what de f... PASSWORDS
"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two years rented a safety-deposit box. "Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old one?" "Gladys." "And what do you wish the new one to be?" "Mabel. Gladys has gone to R... PATIENCE
"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately." "Yes, he is, very." "What is the matter with him?" "He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait." ... PATRIOTISM
General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, his head bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him... PENSIONS
WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace." GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that in case of war the winner pays the pensions."--_Puck_. "Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inqu... PESSIMISM
A pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist.--_Francis Wilson_. How happy are the Pessimists! A bliss without alloy Is theirs when they have proved to us There's no such thing as joy! --_Harold Susman_. A pessimist i...