PHILOSOPHY
Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world which
you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can have
them.--_Puck_.
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PAINTINGS
She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they reached the best room. "These," said the mistress of t... PANICS
One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent, when an actor appeared on the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "compose yourselves. There is no ... PARENTS
William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting while his father was telling his mother about the new telephone for their house. He sulked awhile, then went to his mother, and, patting her on the cheeks, said, "Mother dear,... PARROTS
Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walking down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking and singing. Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird turned quickly, screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" P... PARTNERSHIP
A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his business as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore resisting between me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firm will settle wid me, and dem what de f... PASSWORDS
"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two years rented a safety-deposit box. "Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old one?" "Gladys." "And what do you wish the new one to be?" "Mabel. Gladys has gone to R... PATIENCE
"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately." "Yes, he is, very." "What is the matter with him?" "He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait." ... PATRIOTISM
General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, his head bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him... PENSIONS
WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace." GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that in case of war the winner pays the pensions."--_Puck_. "Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inqu... PESSIMISM
A pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist.--_Francis Wilson_. How happy are the Pessimists! A bliss without alloy Is theirs when they have proved to us There's no such thing as joy! --_Harold Susman_. A pessimist i... PHILADELPHIA
A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in the borough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer of transplanting his family to the Delaware Water Gap for a few weeks. They were discussing their plans the other day, whe... PHILANTHROPISTS
Little grains of short weight, Little crooked twists, Fill the land with magnates And philanthropists. _See also_ Charity. ... PHILOSOPHY
Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world which you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can have them.--_Puck_. ... PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a friend, was playing in his father's office, during the absence of the doctor, when suddenly the first lad threw open a closet door and disclosed to the terrified gaze of his little f... PICKPOCKETS
_See_ Thieves; Wives. ... PINS
"Oh, dear!" sighed the wife as she was dressing for a dinner-party, "I can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the pins go to, anyway?" "That's a difficult question to answer," replied her husband, "because they are always pointed in one d... PITTSBURG
"How about that airship?" "It went up in smoke." "Burned, eh?" "Oh, no. Made an ascension at Pittsburg." SKYBOUGH--"Why have you put that vacuum cleaner in front of your airship?" KLOUDLEIGH--"To clear a path. I have an engagement t... PLAY
The mother heard a great commotion, as of cyclones mixed up with battering-rams, and she hurried upstairs to discover what was the matter. There she found Tommie sitting in the middle of the floor with a broad smile on his face. "Oh, Mama," sai... PLEASURE
BILLY--"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your birthday party yesterday." WILLIE--"I bet I did." BILLY--"Then why ain't you sick today?" Winnie had been very naughty, and her mamma said: "Don't you know you will never go to Heave... POETRY
Poetry is a gift we are told, but most editors won't take it even at that. ... POETS
EDITOR--"Have you submitted this poem anywhere else?" JOKESMITH--"No, sir." EDITOR--"Then where did you get that black eye?"--_Satire_. "Why is it," asked the persistent poetess, "that you always insist that we write on one side of the pa... POLICE
A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six different positions, and the pictures duly circulated among the police department. A few days later the chief of police wrote to headquarters: "Sir, I have duly received the portraits o... POLITENESS
_See_ Courtesy; Etiquet. ... POLITICAL PARTIES
ZOO SUPERINTENDENT--"What was all the rumpus out there this morning?" ATTENDANT--"The bull moose and the elephant were fighting over their feed." "What happened?" "The donkey ate it."--_Life_. ...