More
-
POLITICAL PARTIES
ZOO SUPERINTENDENT--"What was all the rumpus out there this morning?" ATTENDANT--"The bull moose and the elephant were fighting over their feed." "What happened?" "The donkey ate it."--_Life_. ... POLITICIANS
Politicians always belong to the opposite party. The man who goes into politics as a business has no business to go into politics.--_Life_. A political orator, evidently better acquainted with western geography than with the language of t... POLITICS
Politics consists of two sides and a fence. If I were asked to define politics in relation to the British public, I should define it as a spasm of pain recurring once in every four or five years.--_A.E.W. Mason_. LITTLE CLARENCE (who has ... POVERTY
Poverty is no disgrace, but that's about all that can be said in its favor. A traveler passing through the Broad Top Mountain district in northern Bedford County, Pennsylvania, last summer, came across a lad of sixteen cultivating a patch of ... PRAISE
WIFE (complainingly)--"You never praise me up to any one." HUB--"I don't, eh! You should hear me describe you at the intelligence office when I'm trying to hire a cook." "What sort of a man is he?" "Well, he's just what I've been looking ... PRAYER MEETINGS
A foreigner who attended a prayer meeting in Indiana was asked what the assistants did. "Not very much," he said, "only they sin and bray." ... PRAYERS
During the winter the village preacher was taken sick, and several of his children were also afflicted with the mumps. One day a number of the devout church members called to pray for the family. While they were about it a boy, the son of a member... PREACHING
The services in the chapel of a certain western university are from time to time conducted by eminent clergymen of many denominations and from many cities. On one occasion, when one of these visiting divines asked the president how long he shou... PRESCRIPTIONS
After a month's work in intensely warm weather a gardener in the suburbs became ill, and the anxious little wife sent for a doctor, who wrote a prescription after examining the patient. The doctor, upon departing, said: "Just let your husband take... PRESENCE OF MIND
"What did you do when you met the train-robber face to face?" "I explained that I had been interviewed by the ticket-seller, the luggage-carriers, the dining-car waiters, and the sleeping-car porters and borrowed a dollar from him." ... PRINTERS
The master of all trades: He beats the farmer with his fast "hoe," the carpenter with his "rule," and the mason in "setting up tall columns"; and he surpasses the lawyer and the doctor in attending to the "cases," and beats the parson in the manag... PRISONS
A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentenced him to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond of a smile, and feeling particularly... PRODIGALS
"Why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and weep?" "Cos he had ter kill the fatted calf, an' de son wasn't wort' it." ... PROFANITY
THE RECTOR--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word an oath." THE MAN--"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it." FIRST DEAF MUTE--"He wasn't so very angry, wa... PROHIBITION
"Talking about dry towns, have you ever been in Leavenworth, Kansas?" asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car. "No? Well, that's a dry town for you, all right." "They can't sell liquor at all there?" asked one of the men. "Only if yo... PROMOTING
Mr. Harcourt, the Secretary of State for the Colonies, at the British North Borneo dinner, said that a City friend of his was approached with a view to floating a rubber company. His friend was quite ready. "How many trees have you?" he asked. "We... PROMOTION
Promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west, but from the cemetery.--_Edward Sanford Martin_. ... PROMPTNESS
"Are you first in anything at school, Earlie?" "First out of the building when the bell rings." The head of a large business house bought a number of those "Do it now" signs and hung them up around his offices. When, after the first few day... PRONUNCIATION
A tale is told of a Kansas minister, a great precisionist in the use of words, whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what he was saying. On one occasion, in the course of an eloquent prayer, he pleaded: "O Lord! waken thy cause in th... PROPORTION
A middle-aged colored woman in a Georgia village, hearing a commotion in a neighbor's cabin, looked in at the door. On the floor lay a small boy writhing in great distress while his mother bent solicitously over him. "What-all's de matter wif de... PROPOSALS
A love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of proposal asked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a young man should propose to a girl on his knees. "If he doesn't," replied his friend, "the girl should get off." A ... PROPRIETY
There was a young lady of Wilts, Who walked up to Scotland on stilts; When they said it was shocking To show so much stocking, She answered: "Then what about kilts?" --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. ... PROSPERITY
May bad fortune follow you all your days And never catch up with you. ... PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH
One of our popular New England lecturers tells this amusing story. A street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell some very young kittens to passers-by. One day he accosted the late Reverend Phillips Brooks, asking him to purchase, and ...