PUBLIC SPEAKERS

ORATOR--"I thought your paper was friendly to me?"



EDITOR--"So it is. What's the matter?"



ORATOR--"I made a speech at the dinner last night, and you didn't

print a line of it."



EDITOR--"Well, what further proof do you want?"





TRAVELING LECTURER FOR SOCIETY (to the remaining listener)--"I should

like to thank you, sir, for so attentively hearing me to he end of a

rather too long speech."



LOCAL MEMBER OF SOCIETY--"Not at all, sir. I'm the second speaker."





Ex-senator Spooner of Wisconsin says the best speech of introduction

he ever heard was delivered by the German mayor of a small town in

Wisconsin, where Spooner had been engaged to speak.



The mayor said:



"Ladies und shentlemens, I haf been asked to indrotoose you to the

Honorable Senator Spooner, who vill make to you a speech, yes. I haf

now done so; he vill now do so."





"When I arose to speak," related a martyred statesman, "some one

hurled a base, cowardly egg at me and it struck me in the chest."



"And what kind of an egg might that be?" asked a fresh young man.



"A base, cowardly egg," explained the statesman, "is one that hits you

and then runs."





"Uncle Joe" Cannon has a way of speaking his mind that is sometimes

embarrassing to others. On one occasion an inexperienced young fellow

was called upon to make a speech at a banquet at which ex-speaker

Cannon was also present.



"Gentlemen," began the young fellow, "my opinion is that the

generality of mankind in general is disposed to take advantage of the

generality of--"



"Sit down, son," interrupted "Uncle Joe." "You are coming out of the

same hole you went in at."





A South African tribe has an effective method of dealing with bores,

which might be adopted by Western peoples. This simple tribe considers

long speeches injurious to the orator and his hearers; so to protect

both there is an unwritten law that every public orator must stand on

only one leg when he is addressing an audience. As soon as he has to

place the other leg on the ground his oration is brought to a close,

by main force, if necessary.





A rather turgid orator, noted for his verbosity and heaviness, was

once assigned to do some campaigning in a mining camp in the

mountains. There were about fifty miners present when he began; but

when, at the end of a couple of hours, he gave no sign of finishing,

his listeners dropped away.



Some went back to work, but the majority sought places to quench their

thirst, which had been aggravated by the dryness of the discourse.



Finally there was only one auditor left, a dilapidated, weary-looking

old fellow. Fixing his gaze on him, the orator pulled out a large

six-shooter and laid it on the table. The old fellow rose slowly and

drawled out:



"Be you going to shoot if I go?"



"You bet I am," replied the speaker. "I'm bound to finish my speech,

even if I have to shoot to keep an audience."



The old fellow sighed in a tired manner, and edged slowly away, saying

as he did so:



"Well, shoot if you want to. I may jest as well be shot as talked to

death."





The self-made millionaire who had endowed the school had been invited

to make the opening speech at the commencement exercises. He had not

often had a chance of speaking before the public and he was resolved

to make the most of it. He dragged his address out most tiresomely,

repeating the same thought over and over. Unable to stand it any

longer a couple of boys in the rear of the room slipped out. A

coachman who was waiting outside asked them if the millionaire had

finished his speech.



"Gee, yes!" replied the boys, "but he won't stop."





Mark Twain once told this story:



"Some years ago in Hartford, we all went to church one hot, sweltering

night to hear the annual report of Mr. Hawley, a city missionary who

went around finding people who needed help and didn't want to ask for

it. He told of the life in cellars, where poverty resided; he gave

instances of the heroism and devotion of the poor. When a man with

millions gives, he said, we make a great deal of noise. It's a noise

in the wrong place, for it's the widow's mite that counts. Well,

Hawley worked me up to a great pitch. I could hardly wait for him to

get through. I had $400 in my pocket. I wanted to give that and borrow

more to give. You could see greenbacks in every eye. But instead of

passing the plate then, he kept on talking and talking and talking,

and as he talked it grew hotter and hotter and hotter, and we grew

sleepier and sleepier and sleepier. My enthusiasm went down, down,

down, down--$100 at a clip--until finally, when the plate did come

around, I stole ten cents out of it. It all goes to show how a little

thing like this can lead to crime."





_See also_ After dinner speeches; Candidates; Politicians.