After Dinner Speeches
Employers And Employees
Joke Topics Home
A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote the
"Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home
except in self-defense."
"No, sirree!" ejaculated Bunkerton. "There wasn't any of that nonsense
in my family. My father never thrashed me in all his life."
"Too bad, too bad," sighed Hickenlooper. "Another wreck due to a
James the Second, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton, the poet,
and asked him among other things, if he did not think the loss of his
sight a judgment upon him for what he had writen against his father,
Charles the First. Milton answered: "If your Highness think my loss of
sight a _judgment_ upon me, what do you think of your father's losing
A white man during reconstruction times was arraigned before a colored
justice of the peace for killing a man and stealing his mule. It was
in Arkansas, near the Texas border, and there was some rivalry between
the states, but the colored justice tried to preserve an impartial
frame of mind.
"We's got two kinds ob law in dis yer co't," he said: "Texas law an'
Arkansas law. Which will you hab?"
The prisoner thought a minute and then guessed that he would take the
"Den I discharge you fo' stealin' de mule, an' hang you fo' killin' de
"Hold on a minute, Judge," said the prisoner. "Better make that Texas
"All right. Den I fin' you fo' killin' de man, an' hang you fo'
stealin' de mule."
A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the
"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at
all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm
and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's arm is not
himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for
an offense committed by only one of his limbs."
"That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following it
logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed his
cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.
Muriel, a five-year-old subject of King George, has been thought by
her parents too young to feel the weight of the rod, and has been
ruled by moral suasion alone. But when, the other day, she achieved
disobedience three times in five minutes, more vigorous measures were
called for, and her mother took an ivory paper-knife from the table
and struck her smartly across her little bare legs. Muriel looked
astounded. Her mother explained the reason for the blow. Muriel
thought deeply for a moment. Then, turning toward the door with a
grave and disapproving countenance, she announced in her clear little
"I'm going up-stairs to tell God about that paper-knife. And then I
shall tell Jesus. And if _that_ doesn't do, I shall put flannel on my
During the reconstruction days of Virginia, a negro was convicted of
murdering his wife and sentenced to be hanged. On the morning of the
execution he mounted the scaffold with reasonable calmness. Just
before the noose was to be placed around his neck the sheriff asked
him if he had anything to say. He studied a moment and said:
"No, suh, boss, thankee, suh, 'ceptin' dis is sho gwine to be a lesson
"What punishment did that defaulting banker get?" "I understand his
lawyer charged him $40,000."
An Indian in Washington County once sized up Maine's game laws thus:
"Kill cow moose, pay $100; kill man, too bad!"
TEACHER--"Willie, did your father cane you for what you did in school
PUPIL--"No, ma'am; he said the licking would hurt him more than it
TEACHER--"What rot! Your father is too sympathetic."
PUPIL--"No, ma'am; but he's got the rheumatism in both arms."
"Boohoo! Boohoo!" wailed little Johnny.
"Why, what's the matter, dear?" his mother asked comfortingly.
"Boohoo--er--p-picture fell on papa's toes."
"Well, dear, that's too bad, but you mustn't cry about it, you know."
"I d-d-didn't. I laughed. Boohoo! Boohoo!"
The fact that corporal punishment is discouraged in the public schools
of Chicago is what led Bobby's teacher to address this note to the
DEAR MADAM:--I regret very much to have to tell you that your
son, Robert, idles away his time, is disobedient, quarrelsome,
and disturbs the pupils who are trying to study their lessons.
He needs a good whipping and I strongly recommend that you
give him one.
To this Bobby's mother responded as follows:
Dear Miss Blanks--Lick him yourself. I ain't mad at him.
A little fellow who was being subjected to a whipping pinched his
father under the knee. "Willie, you bad boy! How dare you do that?"
asked the parent wrathfully.
A pause. Then Willie answered between sobs: "Well, Father, who started
this war, anyway?"
A little girl about three years old was sent upstairs and told to sit
on a certain chair that was in the corner of her room, as a punishment
for something she had done but a few minutes before.
Soon the silence was broken by the little one's question: "Mother, may
I come down now?"
"No, you sit right where you are."
"All right, 'cause I'm sittin' on your best hat."
It is less to suffer punishment than to deserve it.--_Ovid_.
If Jupiter hurled his thunderbolt as often as men sinned, he would
soon be out of thunderbolts.--_Ovid_.
_See also_ Church discipline; Future life; Marriage.
Previous: PUBLIC SPEAKERS
Random Joke Topics
Kings And Rulers
Physicians And Surgeons
Employers And Employees