After Dinner Speeches
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A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. In
acquitting them the court, with great severity, said:
"There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone wishes
to know my opinion of you I hope that they will refer to me."
Next day the firm's advertisement appeared in every available medium
with the following, well displayed: "Reference as to probity, by special
permission, the Lord Chief Justice of England."
MISTRESS--"Have you a reference?"
BRIDGET--"Foine; Oi held the poker over her till Oi got it."
There is a story of a Scotch gentleman who had to dismiss his gardener
for dishonesty. For the sake of the man's wife and family, however, he
gave him a "character," and framed it in this way: "I hereby certify
that A. B. has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that
time he got more out of the garden than any man I ever employed."
The buxom maid had been hinting that she did not think much of working
out, and this in conjunction with the nightly appearance of a rather
sheepish young man caused her mistress much apprehension.
"Martha, is it possible that you are thinking of getting married?"
"Yes'm," admitted Martha, blushing.
"Not that young fellow who has been calling on you lately?"
"Yes'm he's the one."
"But you have only known him a few days."
"Three weeks come Thursday," corrected Martha.
"Do you think that is long enough to know a man before taking such an
"Well," answered Martha with spirit, "'tain't 's if he was some new
feller. He's well recommended; a perfectly lovely girl I know was
engaged to him for a long while."
An Englishman and an Irishman went to the captain of a ship bound for
America and asked permission to work their passage over. The captain
consented, but asked the Irishman for references and let the Englishman
go on without them. This made the Irishman angry and he planned to get
One day when they were washing off the deck, the Englishman leaned far
over the rail, dropped the bucket, and was just about to haul it up when
a huge wave came and pulled him overboard. The Irishman stopped
scrubbing, went over to the rail and, seeing the Englishman had
disappeared, went to the Captain and said: "Perhaps yez remember whin I
shipped aboard this vessel ye asked me for riferences and let the
Englishman come on widout thim?"
The Captain said: "Yes, I remember."
"Well, ye've been decaved," said the Irishman; "he's gone off wid yer
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