SOLECISMS
A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a
large building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth floor."
Reporters are obliged to write their descriptions of accidents hastily
and often from meager data, and in the attempt to make them vivid they
sometimes make them ridiculous; for example, a New York City paper a few
days ago, in describing a collision between a train and a motor bus,
said: "The train, too, was filled with passengers. Their shrieks mingled
with the _cries of the dead_ and the dying of the bus!"
More
-
SHOPPING
CLERK--"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife wants me to go shopping with her." EMPLOYER--"Certainly not. We are much too busy." CLERK--"Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!" ... SHYNESS
The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story on himself to some friends: "I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I went into the library to do some literary work. I was very busy and looked so, I suppose. I ... SIGNS
When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his brother opened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of "Ed. Wolcott & Bro." Later the partnership was dissolved. The future senator packed his few assets, including the s... SILENCE
A conversation with an Englishman.--_Heine_. BALL-"What is silence?" HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience." The other day upon the links a distinguished clergyman was playing a closely contested game of golf. He carefully ... SIN
Man-like is it to fall into sin, Fiend-like is it to dwell therein, Christ-like is it for sin to grieve, God-like is it all sin to leave. --_Friedrich von Logan_. "Now," said the clergyman to the Sunday-school class, "can any of ... SINGERS
As the celebrated soprano began to sing, little Johnnie became greatly exercised over the gesticulations of the orchestra conductor. "What's that man shaking his stick at her for?" he demanded indignantly. "Sh-h! He's not shaking his stick at ... SKATING
A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung over her arm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat. "Thank you very much, sir," she said, "but I've been skating all afternoon, and I'm tired of sitting down." ... SKYSCRAPERS
_See_ Buildings. ... SLEEP
Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from insomnia told me of a sure cure. "Eat a pint of peanuts and drink two or three glasses of milk before going to bed," said he, "and I'll warrant you'll be asleep within half an hour." I did... SMILES
There was a young lady of Niger, Who went for a ride on a tiger; They returned from the ride With the lady inside, And a smile on the face of the tiger. --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. ... SMOKING
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.--_Rudyard Kipling_. AUNT MARY--(horrified) "Good gracious. Harold, what would your mother say if she saw you smoking cigarets?" HAROLD (calmly)--"She'd have a fit. They're her cigarets." ... SNEEZING
While campaigning in Iowa Speaker Cannon was once inveigled into visiting the public schools of a town where he was billed to speak. In one of the lower grades an ambitious teacher called upon a youthful Demosthenes to entertain the distinguished ... SNOBBERY
Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position. ... SNORING
Snore--An unfavorable report from headquarters.--_Foolish Dictionary_. ... SOCIALISTS
Among the stories told of the late Baron de Rothschild is one which details how a "change of heart" once came to his valet--an excellent fellow, albeit a violent "red." Alphonse was as good a servant as one would wish to employ, and as his soci... SOCIETY
Smart Society is made up of the worldly, the fleshy, and the devilish.--_Harold Melbourne_. "What are her days at home?" "Oh, a society leader has no days at home anymore. Nowadays she has her telephone hours." Society consists of two ... SOLECISMS
A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a large building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth floor." Reporters are obliged to write their descriptions of accidents hastily and often from meager data, a... SONS
"I thought your father looked very handsome with his gray hairs." "Yes, dear old chap. I gave him those." ... SOUVENIRS
"A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped for a drink of milk at a white cottage with a thatched roof, and, as he sipped his refreshment, he noted, on a center table under a glass dome, a brick with a faded rose upon the top of it. "'Why... SPECULATION
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.--_Mark Twain_. ... SPEED
"I always said old Cornelius Husk was slow," said one Quag man to another. "Why, what's he been doin' now?" the other asked. "Got himself run over by a hearse!" "So you heard the bullet whiz past you?" asked the lawyer of the darky. "Y... SPINSTERS
"Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation for a relative or friend?" asks the minister. "I do," says the angular lady arising from the rear pew. "I want the congregation to pray for my husband." "Why, sister Abigail!... SPITE
Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more aggraviting than if you spoke right out at once. A man had for years employed a steady German workman. One day Jake came to him and asked to be excused from work the ... SPRING
In the spring the housemaid's fancy Lightly turns from pot and pan To the greater necromancy Of a young unmarried man. You can hold her through the winter, And she'll work around and sing, But it's just as good as certain ... STAMMERING
One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying those about him. "Don't you like the show?" "Yes, indeed!" "Then why do you persist in hissing the performers?" "Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n't h-hissing! I w-was s-s-im-ply ... STATESMEN
A statesman is a deal politician.--_Mr. Dooley_. A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going, then jumps in front and yells like blazes. ... STATISTICS
An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the Lord all the news in his prayers, recently began a petition for help against the progress of wickedness in his town, with the statement: "Oh, Thou great Jehovah, crime is on the inc... STEAK
"Can I get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train?" "It depends on your teeth, sir." ... STEAM
"Can you tell what steam is?" asked the examiner. "Why, sure, sir," replied Patrick confidently. "Steam is--Why--er--it's wather thos's gone crazy wid the heat." ... STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS
"That new steamer they're building is a whopper," says the man with the shoe button nose. "Yes," agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair, "but my uncle is going to build one so long that when a passenger gets seasick in one end of it he can g... STENOGRAPHERS
A beautiful statuesque blond had left New York to act as stenographer to a dignified Philadelphian of Quaker descent. On the morning of her first appearance she went straight to the desk of her employer. "I presume," she remarked, "that you begi... STOCK BROKERS
A grain broker in New Boston, Maine, Said, "That market gives me a pain; I can hardly bear it, To bull--I don't dare it, For it's going against the grain." --_Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha_. ...