SUNDAY SCHOOLS
"Now, Willie," said the superintendent's little boy, addressing the
blacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll play
'Sabbath School.' You give me a nickel every Sunday for six months, and
then at Christmas I'll give you a ten-cent bag of candy."
When Lottie returned from her first visit to Sunday-school, she was
asked what she had learned.
"God made the wor
was her version of the lesson imparted.
The teacher asked: "When did Moses live?"
After the silence had become painful she ordered: "Open your Old
Testaments. What does it say there?"
A boy answered: "Moses, 4000."
"Now," said the teacher, "why didn't you know when Moses lived?"
"Well," replied the boy, "I thought it was his telephone
number,"--_Suburban Life_.
"How many of you boys," asked the Sunday-school superintendent, "can
bring two other boys next Sunday?"
There was no response until a new recruit raised his hand hesitatingly.
"Well, William?"
"I can't bring two, but there's one little feller I can lick, and I'll
do my damnedest to bring him."
More
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SONS
"I thought your father looked very handsome with his gray hairs." "Yes, dear old chap. I gave him those." ... SOUVENIRS
"A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped for a drink of milk at a white cottage with a thatched roof, and, as he sipped his refreshment, he noted, on a center table under a glass dome, a brick with a faded rose upon the top of it. "'Why... SPECULATION
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.--_Mark Twain_. ... SPEED
"I always said old Cornelius Husk was slow," said one Quag man to another. "Why, what's he been doin' now?" the other asked. "Got himself run over by a hearse!" "So you heard the bullet whiz past you?" asked the lawyer of the darky. "Y... SPINSTERS
"Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation for a relative or friend?" asks the minister. "I do," says the angular lady arising from the rear pew. "I want the congregation to pray for my husband." "Why, sister Abigail!... SPITE
Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more aggraviting than if you spoke right out at once. A man had for years employed a steady German workman. One day Jake came to him and asked to be excused from work the ... SPRING
In the spring the housemaid's fancy Lightly turns from pot and pan To the greater necromancy Of a young unmarried man. You can hold her through the winter, And she'll work around and sing, But it's just as good as certain ... STAMMERING
One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying those about him. "Don't you like the show?" "Yes, indeed!" "Then why do you persist in hissing the performers?" "Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n't h-hissing! I w-was s-s-im-ply ... STATESMEN
A statesman is a deal politician.--_Mr. Dooley_. A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going, then jumps in front and yells like blazes. ... STATISTICS
An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the Lord all the news in his prayers, recently began a petition for help against the progress of wickedness in his town, with the statement: "Oh, Thou great Jehovah, crime is on the inc... STEAK
"Can I get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train?" "It depends on your teeth, sir." ... STEAM
"Can you tell what steam is?" asked the examiner. "Why, sure, sir," replied Patrick confidently. "Steam is--Why--er--it's wather thos's gone crazy wid the heat." ... STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS
"That new steamer they're building is a whopper," says the man with the shoe button nose. "Yes," agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair, "but my uncle is going to build one so long that when a passenger gets seasick in one end of it he can g... STENOGRAPHERS
A beautiful statuesque blond had left New York to act as stenographer to a dignified Philadelphian of Quaker descent. On the morning of her first appearance she went straight to the desk of her employer. "I presume," she remarked, "that you begi... STOCK BROKERS
A grain broker in New Boston, Maine, Said, "That market gives me a pain; I can hardly bear it, To bull--I don't dare it, For it's going against the grain." --_Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha_. ... STRATEGY
A bird dog belonging to a man in Mulvane disappeared last week. The owner put this "ad" in the paper and insisted that it be printed exactly as he wrote it: LOST OR RUN AWAY--One livver culered burd dog called Jim. Will show signs of hyderfobby... SUBWAYS
Any one who has ever traveled on the New York subway in rush hours can easily appreciate the following: A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought of pickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some money in h... SUCCESS
Nothing succeeds like excess.--_Life_. Nothing succeeds like looking successful.--_Henriette Corkland_. Success in life often consists in knowing just when to disagree with one's employer. A New Orleans lawyer was asked to address the... SUFFRAGETTES
When a married woman goes out to look after her rights, her husband is usually left at home to look after his wrongs.--_Child Harold_. "'Ullo, Bill, 'ow's things with yer?" "Lookin' up, Tom, lookin' up." "Igh cost o' livin' not 'ittin' ye... SUICIDE
The Chinese Consul at San Francisco, at a recent dinner, discussed his country's customs. "There is one custom," said a young girl, "that I can't understand--and that is the Chinese custom of committing suicide by eating gold-leaf. I can't unde... SUMMER RESORTS
GABE--"What are you going back to that place for this summer? Why, last year it was all mosquitoes and no fishing." STEVE--"The owner tells me that he has crossed the mosquitoes with the fish, and guarantees a bite every second." "I suppose... SUNDAY
Albert was a solemn-eyed, spiritual-looking child. "Nurse," he said one day, leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee, "nurse, is this God's day?" "No, dear," said the nurse, "this is not Sunday; it is Thursday." "I'm so sorry," he ... SUNDAY SCHOOLS
"Now, Willie," said the superintendent's little boy, addressing the blacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll play 'Sabbath School.' You give me a nickel every Sunday for six months, and then at Christmas I'll give you a ten-... SUPERSTITION
Superstition is a premature explanation overstaying its time.--_George Iles_. ... SURPRISE
"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five children. "I'm going to a surprise party, my dear," answered the mother. "Are we all goin', too?" "No, dear. You weren't invited." After a few moments' deep thought: "Say, ma, then ... SWIMMERS
Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging about their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man got up a match. The man who swam the longest distance was to receive $5. The Alabama Whale immediately stripped on the... SYMPATHY
A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't cost anything. Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed by a man much the worse for liquor, who presently staggered along the car between two rows of well-dres... SYNONYMS
"I don't believe any two words in the English language are synonymous." "Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and 'lift'?" "There's a big difference. I 'raise' chickens and have a neighbor who has been known to 'lift' them." ... TABLE MANNERS
_See_ Dining. ... TACT
It was at the private theatricals, and the young man wished to compliment his hostess, saying: "Madam, you played your part splendidly. It fits you to perfection." "I'm afraid not. A young and pretty woman is needed for that part," said the s... TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD
When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he had been elected President, he stopped at the home of an old friend. It was a small house, not well built, and as he walked about in his room the unsubstantial little house fairly sh... TALENT
_See_ Actors and actresses. ... TALKERS
Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera box-party given by a prominent member of New York society. The hostess had been particularly talkative all during the performance--to Mr. Clemens's increasing irritation. Toward the en... TARDINESS
"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in passing a small boy who was carrying a package. "No, I won't," was the reply. "I've dot de meat."--_Mabel Long_. "How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school this mor... TARIFF
Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty saying, "America expects every man to pay his duty?"--_Kent Packard_. ... TASTE
"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms," said Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter whose little daughter called at a friend's house and said: 'Show me your new parlor rug, won't you, please?'" S... TEACHERS
A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at the schoolhouse the next morning. At ... TEARS
Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel, when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he partook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes. Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye ... TEETH
There was an old man of Tarentum, Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em: And when asked for the cost Of what he had lost, Said, "I really can't tell for I rent 'em!" --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. Pat came to the office... TELEPHONE
Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what they should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this important conversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly for a number. One of the girls became indignant and s... TEMPER
Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to see her favorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for her mercurial temper. "Dinah," she said, "I cannot stand it any longer. I want you to go. I want you to go soon, I wan... TEMPERANCE
A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperance employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home. In repairing a corner near the fireplace, it was found necessary to remove the wainscot, when some things were brough... TEXAS
The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map. But its effect upon the people of that state is not generally known. It is about six hundred miles from Brownsville, at the bottom of the map, to Dallas, which is several hundr... TEXTS
In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had declared colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without previous meditation an inspirational sermon from the text, "The voice of the turtle shall be heard in the land." Not notin...