After Dinner Speeches
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GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)--"Well, Ras, so you want me to
defend you. Have you any money?"
RASTUS--"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two."
LAWYER--"Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see; what do they accuse
you of stealing?"
RASTUS--"Oh, a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two."
At a dinner given by the prime minister of a little kingdom on the
Balkan Peninsula, a distinguished diplomat complained to his host that
the minister of justice, who had been sitting on his left, had stolen
"Ah, he shouldn't have done that," said the prime minister, in tones of
annoyance. "I will get it back for you."
Sure enough, toward the end of the evening the watch was returned to its
"And what did he say?" asked the diplomat.
"Sh-h," cautioned the host, glancing anxiously about him. "He doesn't
know that I have got it back."
Senator "Bob" Taylor, of Tennessee, tells a story of how, when he was
"Fiddling Bob," governor of that state, an old negress came to him and
"Massa Gov'na, we's mighty po' this winter, and Ah wish you would pardon
mah old man. He is a fiddler same as you is, and he's in the
"What was he put in for?" asked the governor.
"Stead of workin' fo' it that good-fo'-nothin' nigger done stole some
"If he is good for nothing what do you want him back for?"
"Well, yo' see, we's all out of bacon ag'in," said the old negress
"Did ye see as Jim got ten years' penal for stealing that 'oss?"
"Serve 'im right, too. Why didn't 'e buy the 'oss and not pay for 'im
like any other gentleman?"
Some time ago a crowd of Bowery sports went over to Philadelphia to see
a prize fight. One "wise guy," who, among other things, is something of
a pickpocket, was so sure of the result that he was willing to bet on
"The Kid's goin' t' win. It's a pipe," he told a friend.
The friend expressed doubts.
"Sure he'll win," the pickpocket persisted. "I'll bet you a gold watch
Still the friend doubted.
"Why," exclaimed the pickpocket, "I'm willin' to bet you a good gold
watch he wins! Y' know what I'll do? Come through the train with me now,
an' y' can pick out any old watch y' like."
In vain we call old notions fudge
And bend our conscience to our dealing.
The Ten Commandments will not budge
And stealing will continue stealing.
--_Motto of American Copyright League_.
Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind;
The thief doth fear each bush an officer.
_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers; Lost and found.
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