WHISKY
This is from an Irish priest's sermon, as quoted in Samuel M. Hussey's
"Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent": "'It's whisky makes you bate
your wives; it's whisky makes your homes desolate; it's whisky makes you
shoot your landlords, and'--with emphasis, as he thumped the
pulpit--'it's whisky makes you miss them.'"
In a recent trial of a "bootlegger" in western Kentucky a witness
testified
defendant.
"Squirrel whisky?" questioned the court.
"Yes, you know: the kind that makes you talk nutty and want to climb
trees."
General Carter, who went to Texas in command of the regulars sent south
for maneuvers along the Mexican border, tells this story of an old Irish
soldier: The march had been a long and tiresome one, and as the bivouac
was being made for the night, the captain noticed that Pat was looking
very much fatigued. Thinking that a small drop of whisky might do him
good, the captain called Pat aside and said, "Pat, will you have a wee
drink of whisky?" Pat made no answer, but folded his arms in a
reverential manner and gazed upward. The captain repeated the question
several times, but no answer from Pat, who stood silent and motionless,
gazing devoutly into the sky. Finally the captain, taking him by the
shoulder and giving him a vigorous shake said: "Pat, why don't you
answer? I said, 'Pat, will you have a drink of whisky?'" After looking
around in considerable astonishment Pat replied: "And is it yez,
captain? Begorrah and I thought it was an angel spakin' to me."
_See_ also Drinking.
More
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TRIGONOMETRY
A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's this man charged with?" "Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives." The ... TROUBLE
"What is the trouble, wifey?" "Nothing." "Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at home or something that happened in a novel?" It was married men's night at the revival meeting. "Let all you husbands who ha... TRUSTS
A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_. TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg dating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and dates correctly and indelibly as the egg is b... TRUTH
There was a young lady named Ruth, Who had a great passion for truth. She said she would die Before she would lie, And she died in the prime of her youth. Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too te... TURKEYS
"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I was a boy, as the central figure!" "Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of them."-... TUTORS
A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot, or To tutor two tutors to toot?" --_Carolyn Wells_. ... TWINS
"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?" "Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I know it's Moike."--_Harvard Lampoon_. ... UMBRELLAS
A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in ten minutes." On returning to seek... VALUE
"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he has no idea of the value of money." "You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?" "Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to have any appreciation of all t... VANITY
MCGORRY--"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enough ahlriddy." MRS. MCGORRY--"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf half as good lookin' as Oi am." "Of course," said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women... VERSATILITY
A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply: "_Dear Sir_: "I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for several years I beg to apply for the p... VOICE
A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some groceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing through that stage of adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet, and his vocal organs, rapidly developin... WAGES
"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little more line after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Santa Lucia." "Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty da month if da boss eata me." Commenting on the... WAITERS
Recipe for a waiter: Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to please, Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips; Remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce, Roll in crumbs, melted butter and tips. --_Life_. ... WAR
"Flag of truce, Excellency." "Well, what do the revolutionists want?" "They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of condensed milk." If you favor war, dig a trench in your backyard, fill it half full of water, crawl into... WARNINGS
Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang at railroad construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes, but assured that they would always give the warning rattle before striking. One hot day he was eating his noon l... WASHINGTON, GEORGE
A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about George Washington, and finally she asked: "Can any one now tell me which Washington was--a great general or a great admiral?" The small son of a fisherman raised his hand, and... WASPS
The wasp cannot speak, but when he says "Drop it," in his own inimitable way, neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to hold on. ... WASTE
The automobile rushed down the road--huge, gigantic, sublime. Over the fence hung the woman who works hard and long-her husband is at the cafe and she has thirteen little ones. (An unlucky number.) Suddenly upon the thirteenth came the auto, unsee... WEALTH
If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if you want to get rich you must go about it in some other way. The traditional fool and his money are lucky ever to have got together in the first place.--_Puck_. He that is pro... WEATHER
"How did you find the weather in London?" asked the friend of the returned traveler. "You don't have to find the weather in London," replied the traveler. "It bumps into you at every corner." An American and a Scotsman were discussing the c... WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES
Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat, and was walking majestically up and down the street. "Aren't you working to-day, Uncle?" asked somebody. "No, suh. I'se celebrating' mah golden weddin' suh." "You were married fifty... WEDDING PRESENTS
Among the presents lately showered upon a dusky bride in a rural section of Virginia, was one that was a gift of an old woman with whom both bride and groom were great favorites. Some time ago, it appears, the old woman accumulated a supply of ... WEDDINGS
An actor who was married recently for the third time, and whose bride had been married once before, wrote across the bottom of the wedding invitations: "Be sure and come; this is no amateur performance." A wealthy young woman from the west was... WEIGHTS AND MEASURES
"Didn't I tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day until ye had her fat?" demanded an Irish shopkeeper, nodding toward a sickly, emaciated cat that was slinking through the store. "Ye did thot," replied the assistant, "an" I've just be... WELCOMES
When Ex-President Taft was on his transcontinental tour, American flags and Taft pictures were in evidence everywhere. Usually the Taft pictures contained a word of welcome under them. Those who heard the President's laugh ring out will not soon f... WEST, THE
EASTERN LADY (traveling in Montana)--"The idea of calling this the 'Wild-West'! Why, I never saw such politeness anywhere." COWBOY--"We're allers perlite to ladies, ma'am." EASTERN LADY--"Oh, as for that, there is plenty of politeness everywh... WHISKY
This is from an Irish priest's sermon, as quoted in Samuel M. Hussey's "Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent": "'It's whisky makes you bate your wives; it's whisky makes your homes desolate; it's whisky makes you shoot your landlords, and'--with e... WHISKY BREATH
_See_ Breath. ... WIDOWS
During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel parlor one said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not," replied the other. "Are you?" "No," was the reply, "I, too, am on the single list," adding: "Strange that two such ... WIND
VISITOR--"What became of that other windmill that was here last year?" NATIVE--"There was only enough wind for one, so we took it down." Whichever way the wind doth blow Some heart is glad to have it so; Then blow it east, or blow it ... WINDFALLS
A Nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped in a widow's front yard. He married the widow and returned home worth about $30,000 more than when he started. ... WINE
When our thirsty souls we steep, Every sorrow's lull'd to sleep. Talk of monarchs! we are then Richest, happiest, first of men. When I drink, my heart refines And rises as the cup declines; Rises in the genial flow, That none... WISHES
George Washington drew a long sigh and said: "Ah wish Ah had a hundred watermillions." Dixie's eyes lighted. "Hum! Dat would suttenly be fine! An' ef yo' had a hundred watermillions would yo' gib me fifty?" "No, Ah wouldn't." "Wouldn't yo'... WITNESSES
"The trouble is," said Wilkins as he talked the matter over with his counsel, "that in the excitement of the moment I admitted that I had been going too fast, and wasn't paying any attention to the road just before the collision. I'm afraid that a... WIVES
"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?" "I believe so, my son," said the father. "Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?'"--_Town Topics_. A charitable lady was reading the Old Te... WOMAN
Woman--the only sex which attaches more importance to what's on its head than to what's in it. "How very few statues there are of real women." "Yes! it's hard to get them to look right." "How so?" "A woman remaining still and saying no... WOMAN SUFFRAGE
WOMAN VOTER--"Now, I may as well be frank with you. I absolutely refuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid Jones woman." Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked recently how she stood on the vote for women question. She replied she didn't "stand a... WOMEN'S CLUBS
_See_ Clubs. ... WORDS
_See_ Authors. ... WORK
All work and no play Makes Jack surreptitiously gay. "Wot cheer, Alf? Yer lookin' sick; wot is it?" "Work! nuffink but work, work, work, from mornin' till night!" '"Ow long 'ave yer been at it?" "Start tomorrow."--_Punch_. Sev... WORMS
A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays and the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the event she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests. Picking up a beautiful silk creation she held it ... YALE UNIVERSITY
The new cook, who had come into the household during the holidays, asked her mistress: "Where ban your son? I not seeing him round no more." "My son," replied the mistress pridefully. "Oh, he has gone back to Yale. He could only get away long... YONKERS
An American took an Englishman to a theater. An actor in the farce, about to die, exclaimed: "Please, dear wife, don't bury me in Yonkers!" The Englishman turned to his friend and said: "I say, old chap, what _are_ yonkers?" ...