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"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?"

"I believe so, my son," said the father.

"Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give me
death?'"--_Town Topics_.


A charitable lady was reading the Old Testament to an aged woman who
lived at the home for old people, and chanced upon the passage
concerning Solomon's household.

"Had Solomon really seven hundred wives?" inquired the old woman,
after reflection.

"Oh, yes, Mary! It is so stated in the Bible."

"Lor', mum!" was the comment. "What privileges them early Christians
had!"


CASEY--"Now, phwat wu'u'd ye do in a case loike thot?"

CLANCY--"Loike phwat?"

CASEY--"Th' walkin' diligate tils me to stroike, an' me ould woman
orders me to ke-ape on wurrkin'."


Governor Vardaman, of Mississippi, was taken to task because he had
made a certain appointment, a friend maintaining that another man
should have received the place. The governor listened quietly and then
said:

"Did I ever tell you about Mose Williams? One day Mose sought his
employer, an acquaintance of mine, and inquired:

"'Say, boss, is yo' gwine to town t'morrer?'

"'I think so. Why?'

"'Well, hit's dishaway. Me an' Easter Johnson's gwine to git mahred,
an' Ah 'lowed to ax yo' ter git a pair of licenses fo' me."

"I shall be delighted to oblige you, Mose, and I hope you will be very
happy."

"The next day when the gentleman rode up to his house the old man was
waiting for him.

"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.

"'Yes, here they are.'

"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry
yo' got 'em, boss!'

"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'

"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry
Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis'
Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'

"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost
you fifty cents more.'

"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change
made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.

"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'

"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'

"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter
Johnson after all.'

"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you
change your mind again?'

"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't
fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"


A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew
on buttons before they come off.


"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
through his pockets."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket."


A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight
wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth,
and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.

"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"

"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.

"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"

"Yes."

"Then you must be as strong as a man!"

"I am."

"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your
husband--would you?"

"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.

The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads.
Then the oldest said softly:

"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife.
He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_.


PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."

MIKE--"She is thot."

PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"

MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"


SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."

MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's
all."

SON--"May I stay up till he does?"


"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who
wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."


It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged
his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big,
square-jawed woman with a determined eye.

"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to
your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.

"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare
defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of
overtook me."


"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return
one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"

"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"

"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.

"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"

Flora dried her tears.

"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to
you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course,
I--I opened it."

"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.

"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"

"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"

"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into
fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't
f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'"
"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.

"'Yes, here they are.'

"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry
yo' got 'em, boss!'

"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'

"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry
Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis'
Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'

"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost
you fifty cents more.'

"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change
made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.

"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'

"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'

"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter
Johnson after all.'

"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you
change your mind again?'

"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't
fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"


A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew
on buttons before they come off.


"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
through his pockets."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket."


A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight
wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth,
and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.

"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"

"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.

"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"

"Yes."

"Then you must be as strong as a man!"

"I am."

"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your
husband--would you?"

"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.

The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads.
Then the oldest said softly:

"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife.
He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_.


PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."

MIKE--"She is thot."

PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"

MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"


SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."

MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's
all."

SON--"May I stay up till he does?"


"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who
wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."


It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged
his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big,
square-jawed woman with a determined eye.

"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to
your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.

"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare
defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of
overtook me."


"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return
one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"

"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"

"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.

"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"

Flora dried her tears.

"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to
you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course,
I--I opened it."

"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.

"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"

"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"

"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into
fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't
f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'"


"By jove, I left my purse under the pillow!"

"Oh, well, your servant is honest, isn't she?"

"That's just it. She'll take it to my wife."


There swims no goose so gray, but soon or late
She finds some honest gander for her mate.

--_Pope_.


A clerk showed forty patterns of ginghams to a man whose wife had sent
him to buy some for her for Christmas, and at every pattern the man
said: "My wife said she didn't want anything like that."

The clerk put the last piece back on the shelf. "Sir," he said, "you
don't want gingham. What you want is a divorce."


Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are
wives.--_Shakespeare_.

In the election of a wife, as in
A project of war, to err but once is
To be undone forever.

--_Thomas Middleton_.


Of earthly goods, the best is a good wife;
A bad, the bitterest curse of human life.

--_Simonides_.


_See also_ Domestic finance; Suffragettes; Talkers; Temper; Woman
suffrage.





Next: WOMAN

Previous: WITNESSES



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