About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit said Buttons is when they neglect to pay their bills
"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit,"
said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."
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A simple old farmer McVeagh
Whom every one said was a jeagh
Fell in with a man
On the confidence plan
And now he is back making heagh
A simple old farmer, McVeagh, Whom every one said was a jeagh, Fell in with a man On the confidence plan, And now he is back making heagh. ... A sporty young fellow named Phipps Last night went to view the eclipse
A sporty young fellow named Phipps Last night went to view the eclipse. The moon looked so queer. He set up a cheer, The truth was he'd been taking nips. ... A squall on the sea is a stress of weather and a squaller on land is a songstress
A squall on the sea is a stress of weather, and a squaller on land is a songstress. ... A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to describe a lake
A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to describe a lake. "Sure and it is hole in the kettle." ... A telephone girl always reminds me of a pictured saint
"A telephone girl always reminds me of a pictured saint." "Why?" "There is a continual 'hello' around her head." ... A tramp asked a farmer for something to eat One day as he chanced there to stop The kind hearted farmer went out to the shed And gave him an axe and feelingly said: Now just help yourself to a chop
A tramp asked a farmer for something to eat One day as he chanced there to stop, The kind hearted farmer went out to the shed And gave him an axe and feelingly said: "Now just help yourself to a chop." ... A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer said Can you supply me with a yard of pork
A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer said, "Can you supply me with a yard of pork?" "Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman three pig's feet." ... A watch's fate is hard indeed For when it's not in soak It's set back if it gets ahead And scorned whene'er it's broke
A watch's fate is hard indeed, For when it's not in soak It's set back if it gets ahead And scorned whene'er it's broke. ... A woman fell overboard from a ship yesterday and a shark came up and looked her over and went away
"A woman fell overboard from a ship yesterday and a shark came up and looked her over and went away." "He never touched her?" "No. He was a man-eating shark." ... A woman never fully understands the hardness of the world until she falls off a bicycle a few times
A woman never fully understands the hardness of the world until she falls off a bicycle a few times. ... A woman's shoe that is a mile too big is never a foot in length
A woman's shoe that is "a mile too big," is never a foot in length. ... A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers all named Samuel
A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers, all named Samuel. Her photograph album must be a book of Sams. ... About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit said Buttons is when they neglect to pay their bills
"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit," said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills." ... According to a florist's magazine Jacks are becoming cheap
According to a florist's magazine "Jacks are becoming cheap." This may be true, but we have known men who would have been willing to pay $10 for one to put with the two already in their hands. ... ACTOR FRIEND (inquiring at boarding house)--Has Mr
ACTOR FRIEND (inquiring at boarding house)--Has Mr. Comedy taken his departure yet? "Yes," snapped the landlady, "but that's all he did take; I've got his wardrobe." ... Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder luck than you
Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder luck than you. ... After a man has had occasion to employ a first-class lawyer it is useless to tell him that talk is cheap
After a man has had occasion to employ a first-class lawyer it is useless to tell him that talk is cheap. ... After all you know said Mr
"After all, you know," said Mr. Oldbeau, "a man is only as old as he feels"---- "Yes," said Miss Pepprey, "but some old men make the mistake of thinking they are as young as they think they feel." ... After wedding a rich heiress Price Said Gambling's a terrible vice But one thing I know This matching for dough Is a thing that's exceedingly nice
After wedding a rich heiress, Price Said, "Gambling's a terrible vice, But one thing I know, This matching for dough Is a thing that's exceedingly nice." ... Ah
"Ah! I'm saddest when I sing," She sang in plaintive key; And all the neighbors yelled, "So are we! so are we." ... Alas for all their ecstasy They knew not what was best: The young man reached the front door The old man did the rest
Alas, for all their ecstasy, They knew not what was best: The young man reached the front door, The old man did the rest. ... ALGY--Charming widow isn't she
ALGY--"Charming widow, isn't she? They say she is to marry again." CHOLLY--"I wouldn't want to be a widow's second husband." ALGY--"Well, I'd rather be a widow's second husband than her first, doncher-know." ... AMERICAN--You have noticed I suppose that the balance of trade so far as your country and ours are concerned is still in our favor
AMERICAN--"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in our favor?" ENGLISHMAN--"Nothing of the sort, sir. We exchange a worn-out title for a beautiful American heiress almos... An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark of the tree from that of the dog
An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark of the tree from that of the dog. ...