CLARA--He gave me an army-and-navy kiss
CLARA--"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss."
MAUD--"What kind is that?"
CLARA--"Oh, rapid fire--sixty a minute!"
More
-
BUTCHER--I need a boy about your size and will give you $1 a
week
BUTCHER--I need a boy about your size, and will give you $1 a week. APPLICANT--Will I have a chance to rise? BUTCHER--Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in the morning. ... CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother little boy
CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is she engaged? LITTLE BOY--Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married. ... Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day
"Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day?" asked a dealer. "And what the dickens do Oi be after wantin' a thrunk?" "To put your clothes in, of course!" "And go naked? Not a bit iv it!" ... Can you give me a front room on the first floor
"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a travelling man of the recently installed clerk. "Can I give it to you?" "Yes, that is what I remarked." "That's queer," said the clerk, "you're the fourth man to-day who thought I ... Can you swim little boy
"Can you swim, little boy?" "Yes, sir." "Where did you learn?" "In the water, sir." ... Casey bet on a horse which finished last
Casey bet on a horse which finished last. He went down to the paddock, called out the jockey who had ridden him and said: "In hivin's name, young man, phwat delayed you?" ... Castles in the air are walled in by fancy remarked the poet
"Castles in the air are walled in by fancy," remarked the poet. "Faith, I'd prefer a rale fence," said Pat. ... Charlemagne was in need of amusement
Charlemagne was in need of amusement. "Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court jesters in constant attendance on your royal person?" "Because," he replied, with a right regal chuckle, "I could not earn the surname of '... Charley dear said young Mrs
"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not going into politics." "What made you think of that?" "I heard you talking in your sleep about 'standing pat.'" ... CHOLLY--Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted
CHOLLY--Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted. SUSIE--I shouldn't feel badly about that; she never did know anything about fractions. ... City Niece--The windows in our new church are stained
City Niece--"The windows in our new church are stained." Country Aunt--"Ain't that a pity. Can't they get nothing to take it off?" ... CITYMAN--Do they keep a servant girl
CITYMAN--Do they keep a servant girl? SUBBUBS--O! certainly not. But as soon as one leaves they engage another.--Philadelphia Press. ... CLARA--He gave me an army-and-navy kiss
CLARA--"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss." MAUD--"What kind is that?" CLARA--"Oh, rapid fire--sixty a minute!" ... CLEVERTON--Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on her face lately for her complexion
CLEVERTON--Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on her face lately for her complexion. DASHAWAY--I guess I'll go around there. I have a touch of malaria. ... Cohen left the ball-game
Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right at him when he called "three balls!" ... Coleridge who was a bad rider was accosted when on horseback by a wag who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam The same thing that happened to me--An ass spoke to him
Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The same thing that happened to me--An ass spoke to him." ... Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he cared for undressed kids
Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he cared for undressed kids. ... CONDON--Have you been cured of that last attack of malaria
CONDON--Have you been cured of that last attack of malaria? DENBY--Oh, yes, Doctress Anna Curem knocked it silly. But her treatment left me with a worse disease than malaria ever was. "You don't say so!" "Yes, sir; I've got an incurable cas... Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again
"Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again." "Why?" "Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons." ... Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant
"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry tales." "All animals are not in cages. There are some dandelions on the lawn." ... COURTNEY--When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on your knees
COURTNEY--When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on your knees? BARCLAY--No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them. ... Curious isn't it
"Curious, isn't it?" "What?" "A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read when signed to a check." ... Customer (to the coal dealer): Have you got any name for those scales of yours
Customer (to the coal dealer): "Have you got any name for those scales of yours?" "I never heard of scales having a name." "Well, you ought to call your scales Ambush. You see, they are always lying in weight." ... CUSTOMER--Why do you call this electric cake
CUSTOMER--Why do you call this electric cake? BAKER'S BOY--I 'spose becuz it has currants in it. ...