I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it
"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in
it."
"Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old."
"Yes, but this was tomato soup."
More
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HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle
player
HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle player. WIFE--Why? HUSBAND--Because it is a great melter. ... HUSBAND--Where's your mistress
HUSBAND--"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a minute, and I've waited half an hour." MAID--"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her complexion to match her new gown." ... Hush not so loud
"Hush, not so loud! We're having a conference of the powers." "Eh! Who is conferring?" "My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook." ... I am quite surprised Mr
"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's knowledge of parliamentary law." "Great Caesar! Hasn't she been speaker of the house for the last fifteen years?" ... I am told lynching is a pastime in this section
"I am told lynching is a pastime in this section." "Well, we do loop the loop occasionally." ... I am told said she saucily that though you are a military man you are afraid of powder
"I am told," said she, saucily, "that though you are a military man, you are afraid of powder." "To prove that the assertion is calumnious," replied he, "I have only to do this." Whereupon he lightly kissed her on the cheek, and his lips show... I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with all their fruit
I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we can't." ... I assured her I could support her in the style she was accustomed to
"I assured her I could support her in the style she was accustomed to." "Well?" "She said she was looking for something better than that." ... I cannot play second fiddle to any one
"I cannot play second fiddle to any one." "Then be my beau!" ... I don't give a rap said the coachman haughtily as he rang the electric bell
"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang the electric bell. ... I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church he urged; I am a spiritualist
"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church," he urged; "I am a spiritualist." "I am afraid it will," she replied "Pa is a prohibitionist, you know." ... I got your fare didn't I
"I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor. "I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw you ring it up." ... I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it
"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it." "Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old." "Yes, but this was tomato soup." ... I hate a liar Wiggins cried Said Jiggins Then 'twould seem You really ought to try and hide Your lack of self-esteem
"I hate a liar," Wiggins cried, Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem You really ought to try and hide Your lack of self-esteem." ... I hear Smith the sea captain is in hard luck
"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran away from him." "Yes, he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper." ... I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York
I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first gambler. Didn't he start the races? ... I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to Orchard Park
I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to Orchard Park. Why, how is that? Well, there are so many pears (pairs) found under the trees. ... I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in school
"I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in school?" "Yes, ma, they call me 'Corns'." "How dreadful! And why do they call you that?" "Cause in our class, you know, I'm always at the foot." ... I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up
"I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up." "Well, if he tells the truth, he lies." ... I must admit said the mannish girl that I'm very fond of men's clothes
"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of men's clothes. You don't like them, do you?" "Yes. I do," replied the girly girl, frankly, "when there's a man in them." ... I once knew a man who with the aid of a microscope made a harness for a flea
"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a harness for a flea." "Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I saw that same flea harnessed." ... I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club
"I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club." "That's nothing; I once saw a teetotaler on a fishing trip." ... I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver he ran out
"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver he ran out." "Did you shoot him?" "No. He was out of my range." ... I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks
"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' As though everyone wasn't wise to that." ...