If Pearl Street is crooked
If Pearl Street is crooked;
Is Union Square?
More
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I'm nearly starved
"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the New York Central." "But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?" "Nope! It was a 'fast' train." ... I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the society of the great
"I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the society of the great." "You're not?" "No; they are surrounded at home by any number of big-wigs." ... I'm the champion long distance cornet player
I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks. Did you win? No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever." ... I'm very much surprised quoth Harry That Jane a gambler should marry
"I'm very much surprised," quoth Harry, "That Jane a gambler should marry." "I'm not at all," her sister says, "You know he has such winning ways!" ... I've been married five years and I've got a bushel of children
"I've been married five years, and I've got a bushel of children." "How's that?" "My name is Peck. I've got four children. Don't four pecks make a bushel?" ... I've been pondering over a very singular thing
"I've been pondering over a very singular thing." "What is it?" "How putting a ring on a woman's third finger should place you under that woman's thumb." ... IDA--Yes dear this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same as they have in New York
IDA--"Yes, dear, this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same as they have in New York." MAY--"Perfume? Why I smell gasoline." IDA--"Well, you see, they are playing the 'Automobile March' now." ... If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it and another guest did the same what would the latter's telephone number be
"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone number be?" It would be "8-1-2." ... If a woman would change her sex what would her religion be
If a woman would change her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then, of course. ... If Broomstick as rumored is in a woman's hands he may be booked to beat the favorite
If Broomstick, as rumored, is in a woman's hands, he may be booked to beat the favorite. Torchlight and Igniter, coupled should prove a red hot combination, but with Extinguisher in the race might not bring in any money to burn. Animosity ev... If I might hold that hand again
If I might hold that hand again Clasped lovingly in mine, I'd little care what others sought-- That hand I held, lang syne! That hand! Oh, warm it was and soft! Soft? Ne'er was so soft a thing! ... If Pearl Street is crooked
If Pearl Street is crooked; Is Union Square? ... If said the druggist you will give this new tonic a trial I'm sure you will never use any other
"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial I'm sure you will never use any other." "Excuse me," rejoined the customer, "but I prefer something less fatal." ... If the devil lost its tail where would he go to get another one
If the devil lost its tail, where would he go to get another one? To a liquor store where they retail spirits. ... If tough spells tough
If t-o-u-g-h spells tough, And d-o-u-g-h spells dough, Does s-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff? Or, simply snow? ... If you should die what would you do with your body
"If you should die, what would you do with your body?" "I don't know." "I'd sell mine to a medical student." "Then you'd be giving yourself dead away." ... If you want to see a strong organization look at the whisky dealers; if you want to see a weak one look at the consumers
If you want to see a strong organization, look at the whisky dealers; if you want to see a weak one, look at the consumers. ... IKEY--Fader is imbegunious undt inzolvent der same
IKEY--Fader, is "imbegunious" undt "inzolvent" der same? FADER--Nodt at all! "Imbegunious" is ven a man has got no more money, undt "inzolvent" is ven his greditors has got about all der money dey are goin' to get. ... In choosing a wife said the scanty-haired philosopher one should never judge by appearances
"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one should never judge by appearances." "That's right," rejoined the very young man. "The homeliest girls usually have the most money." ... In my business said the stock broker It is impossible to succeed without pluck
"In my business," said the stock broker, "It is impossible to succeed without pluck." "Huh!" snorted the man who had been up against it, "you mean 'plucking,' don't you?" ... In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles
"In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles." "That's very fortunate, isn't it," said his wife innocently, "but how?" "Simply because in clock works the hands never strike." ... In this glorious land of the free you always have to pay for the drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch
In this glorious land of the free, you always have to pay for the drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch. ...