Jackson never lights one of his cigars
"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his
mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why."
"You wouldn't if you had ever smoked one of them."
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It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold
rooms
"It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold rooms." "Yes, it does. I get all warmed up when I talk to him." ... It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife Crystal because she is always on the watch
It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because she is always "on the watch." ... It was the morning after and he wanted a small favor
It was the morning after, and he wanted a small favor. "I admit that I am temporarily hard up," he said, "but that's because I can't realize." "Can't realize on what?" "On my thirst. If I could only sell that thirst for half what it cost m... It was this a-way jedge: Ye see I doled de cards and Jim Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings
"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings." "What did you have?" "Three aces, jedge, and----" "What did Jim do?" "Jim, he drew." "What did he draw?" "He drew a razzer... It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on me own clothes
"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler like his fayther." ... It's a good idea to make light of your troubles
"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do," replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn it." ... It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes
"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes. "How's that?" "Marriage is always a tie." ... It's been a coal day when you're left said the kindling-wood to the cinder
"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in and fired both up. ... It's thrue said Paddy to Dennis one day it wor a grand soight
"It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, "it wor a grand soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all about it." ... It's very puzzling said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors
"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors. "What's that?" "I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether the parrot is corrupting Willie." ... JACK--Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand
JACK--"Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand?" TOM--"Yes; but I didn't." "Didn't what?" "Suit her." ... JACK--My wife's a fine shot
JACK--"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time." FRED--"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime." ... Jackson never lights one of his cigars
"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why." "You wouldn't if you had ever smoked one of them." ... Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's
Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's? Wise--In self-defense. Jenks--in self-defence? Wise--Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point. ... JIM--Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward
JIM--"Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward?" PAT--"Because there's a hole on the other side." ... JIMSON--Now you wouldn't marry me would you
JIMSON--Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you? MISS SEARS--Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a question? JIMSON--Just to decide a bet. ... John can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion
"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion?" "Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up again." ... JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day
JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach. TOM--That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the beer settle. ... JOHN--Say do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast
JOHN--Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast? TOM--Sure I do. JOHN--Glue it to the floor. ... JOHNNIE--Ya-as I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork
JOHNNIE--"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork. Ever been to Cork?" SOUBRETTE--"No--but I've seen a good many drawings of it." ... JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired
JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired? TOMMY--My step-mother is sick end now I'll get licked before every meal. The doctor says she must take exercise on an empty stomach. ... Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a good man down
Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a good man down. ... Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow
"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow." ... Jones the dentist ought to make a good poker player
Jones the dentist, ought to make a good poker player. Why? He draws and fills so well. ...