JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day
JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had
was a peach.
TOM--That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I
let the beer settle.
More
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It's a good idea to make light of your troubles
"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do," replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn it." ... It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes
"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes. "How's that?" "Marriage is always a tie." ... It's been a coal day when you're left said the kindling-wood to the cinder
"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in and fired both up. ... It's thrue said Paddy to Dennis one day it wor a grand soight
"It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, "it wor a grand soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all about it." ... It's very puzzling said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors
"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors. "What's that?" "I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether the parrot is corrupting Willie." ... JACK--Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand
JACK--"Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand?" TOM--"Yes; but I didn't." "Didn't what?" "Suit her." ... JACK--My wife's a fine shot
JACK--"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time." FRED--"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime." ... Jackson never lights one of his cigars
"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why." "You wouldn't if you had ever smoked one of them." ... Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's
Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's? Wise--In self-defense. Jenks--in self-defence? Wise--Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point. ... JIM--Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward
JIM--"Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward?" PAT--"Because there's a hole on the other side." ... JIMSON--Now you wouldn't marry me would you
JIMSON--Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you? MISS SEARS--Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a question? JIMSON--Just to decide a bet. ... John can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion
"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion?" "Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up again." ... JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day
JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach. TOM--That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the beer settle. ... JOHN--Say do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast
JOHN--Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast? TOM--Sure I do. JOHN--Glue it to the floor. ... JOHNNIE--Ya-as I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork
JOHNNIE--"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork. Ever been to Cork?" SOUBRETTE--"No--but I've seen a good many drawings of it." ... JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired
JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired? TOMMY--My step-mother is sick end now I'll get licked before every meal. The doctor says she must take exercise on an empty stomach. ... Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a good man down
Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a good man down. ... Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow
"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow." ... Jones the dentist ought to make a good poker player
Jones the dentist, ought to make a good poker player. Why? He draws and fills so well. ... JONES--Well we had an addition to our family yesterday
JONES--"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday." SMITH--"You don't say so? Boy or girl?" JONES--"Neither. It's my wife's mother." ... JUDGE--You are charged with profanity
JUDGE--You are charged with profanity. PRISONER--I am not. JUDGE--You are, sir. What do you mean? PRISONER--I was, but I got rid of it. ... KICKSY--Wife can you tell me why I am like a hen
KICKSY--Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen? MRS. KICKSY--No, dear, why is it? KICKSY--Because I can seldom find anything where I laid it yesterday. ... KID--Did the dogs ever bite you
KID--Did the dogs ever bite you? GENT--What dogs? KID--The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to chase the growler when he first knew you. ... Kind lady remarked the weary wayfarer can you oblige me with something to eat
"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with something to eat?" "Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady. ...