REGULAR CALLER--I'd like to see your father Tommy if he isn't engaged
REGULAR CALLER--"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if he isn't
engaged."
TOMMY--"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She isn't
engaged."
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Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St
Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day. PAT--"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the door." MIKE--"And if I get up first I'll rub it out!" ... Pat said one Catholic friend to another
"Pat," said one Catholic friend to another, "how would you like to be buried in a Protestant graveyard?" "Faith an' I'd die first!" ... PAT--'Twas the divil of a blow the dago gave yer
PAT--"'Twas the divil of a blow the dago gave yer. Yer wuz near Kilt." MIKE--"Begorra, I wish I had died that I moite see the villain hung." ... PAT--Who is being lowered into a well; Sthop will ye Murphy
PAT--Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, Murphy? Oi want to coom up again." MURPHY--Still letting him down, "Phat for?" PAT--"Oi'll Show ye. Af ye don't sthop lettin' me doon, Oi'll cut the rope." ... Paw can an honest man play poker
"Paw, can an honest man play poker?" "Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything." ... Permit me then to die at your feet
"Permit me, then, to die at your feet!" he cried desperately. She shivered. "I see no objection to that," she answered. "All papa said was that you mustn't hang around here." ... PERSONAL--'A young woman to whom black is particularly becoming would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object widowhood
PERSONAL--"'A young woman, to whom black is particularly becoming, would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object, widowhood.'" ... PETERS--Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular song
PETERS--"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular song?" WINKLE--"Not I." PETERS--"Heavens! How can you stand it?" WINKLE-"I wrote the song." ... PLAYWRIGHT--There is a great climax in the last act
PLAYWRIGHT--"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one; then----" MANAGER CONN--"Be more explicit. Which one did the clock strike?" ... Poor Lot's wife turned to salt alas
Poor Lot's wife turned to salt, alas! Her fate was most unkind. No doubt she only wished to see How hung her skirt behind. ... Pressed for work--cider
Pressed for work--cider. Never out of print--the calico counter. ... RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day sir
RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day, sir. MANAGER--Indeed; What now? CLERK--Man dislocated his neck trying to read our new time table. ... REGULAR CALLER--I'd like to see your father Tommy if he isn't engaged
REGULAR CALLER--"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if he isn't engaged." TOMMY--"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She isn't engaged." ... Rowley Powley pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry
Rowley Powley, pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. ... Said she How beautiful is nature
Said she, "How beautiful is nature!" Said the young man, "Yes, quite true;" Then, added, as he viewed her complexion, "And art is quite beautiful, too." ... Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually but they always welcome the cry of Land-hoe
Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually, but they always welcome the cry of "Land-hoe." ... Say Dad what is an expert accountant
"Say Dad, what is an expert accountant?" "An expert accountant," replied the father, "is a man who becomes famous by robbing a bank for two years before he is discovered." ... Say did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe
"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'" "No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was smoking it." ... Say pop do people take snuff nowadays
"Say, pop, do people take snuff nowadays?" "Sometimes, my son." "Oh, then its all right?" "What is all right?" "Why, I heard mamma telling Aunt Amy that you wasn't up to snuff." ... Says his lordship to Thomas Your rent I must raise I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf
Says his lordship to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise, I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf." "Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good. For I never can raise it myself." ... SCENE--Cabstand
SCENE--Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby, who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you, lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at the title, and reading, "Abide with me," hurriedly departs, to the... See here sir remonstrated the young gentleman I got up to give my seat to the lady not to you
"See here, sir," remonstrated the young gentleman, "I got up to give my seat to the lady, not to you." "Ach, dat's all right. She's my vife," he responded placidly. And he kept the seat. ... SENTIMENTAL WIFE--Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven
SENTIMENTAL WIFE--Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven. GRUFF HUSBAND--You did, eh? Why the deuce didn't you stay there? ... Servant--The plumber says this check should be $5 more
Servant--The plumber says this check should be $5 more. Castleton--But it's the amount asked for. "Yes, sir. But you've kept him waitin' for nearly an hour."--Life. ...