The landlord came to Mrs
The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May
last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise
your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hooligan,
"I'm so glad that you intend to raise it for me as Dan aint'
working and I'm nather able nor willing to raise it myself."
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THE DOCTOR--You regard society as merely a machine do you
THE DOCTOR--"You regard society as merely a machine, do you? What part of the machinery do you consider me, for instance?" THE PROFESSOR--"You are one of the cranks." ... The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric
The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald. ... The fate of Lot's wife Was all her own fault; She first turned to rubber And then turned to salt
The fate of Lot's wife Was all her own fault; She first turned to "rubber," And then turned to salt. ... The first impulse of the young married man on being presented with his first baby is to give it a-weigh
The first impulse of the young married man, on being presented with his first baby, is to give it a-weigh. ... The first kiss only comes once in a lifetime
The first kiss only comes once in a lifetime. The trouble with the fellow who loses his temper is that he always finds it again. The man who plays the bass drum should have no difficulty in beating his way. An amateur performance for chari... The following is a resolution of an Irish corporation: That a new jail should be built that this be done out of the material of the old one and the old jail to be used until the new one be completed
The following is a resolution of an Irish corporation: "That a new jail should be built, that this be done out of the material of the old one, and the old jail to be used until the new one be completed." ... The girl who marries a title very frequently turns her fortune to a count
The girl who marries a title very frequently turns her fortune to a count. ... The glazier is not necessarily a tiresome man because he gives you a pane
The glazier is not necessarily a tiresome man because he "gives you a pane." ... The Governess--What happened when the man killed the goose that laid the golden egg Margie
The Governess--What happened when the man killed the goose that laid the golden egg, Margie? Little Margie--Why, I guess his goose was cooked. ... The hawk was dozing
The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe distance, "as if you were full." "Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark that was a bird." ... The house a lawyer once enjoy'd
"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd, Now to a smith doth pass; How naturally the iron age Succeeds the age of brass!" ... The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated
The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated. ... The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell When did you last see your sister
The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell, "When did you last see your sister?" The policeman replied: "The last time I saw her, Judge, was about eight months ago, when she called at my home, and I was out." "Then you did not see her on t... The kerosene can on the mantel reposes Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher
The kerosene can on the mantel reposes, Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire, And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is, This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher. ... The landlord came to Mrs
The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hooligan, "I'm so glad that you intend to raise it for me as Dan aint' ... The man who was run over by the cars the other day is now out of danger
"The man who was run over by the cars the other day, is now out of danger." "That's good." "He died this morning." ... THE MAN--Edison's a wonder isn't he
THE MAN--Edison's a wonder, isn't he? THE MAID--I don't think so! You can't turn his incandescent lights down low. ... The modern drummer is not much like the month of March
The modern drummer is not much like the month of March. March is said to come in a lion and go out a lamb, while the drummer comes in a lyin' and goes out a lyin'. ... The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed Fight On must have a grudge against them
The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight On," must have a grudge against them. ... THE ONLY REMEDY--Mamma I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me
THE ONLY REMEDY--"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me." "Why, dear?" "'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out." ... The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth and pounced on him at once
The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at once. "Is that what you do at home?" he asked indignantly. "Oh, no," answered the boy quickly, "we have clean knive... The portrait tumbled from the wall And hit the young man's head
The portrait tumbled from the wall And hit the young man's head. "A striking likeness!" That was all The rueful punster said. ... The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out
The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker lays out his man before he boxes him. ... The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous
The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous. A sea captain boasts that he finished loading a cargo of wheat at San Francisco by dinner time, and then went to China for tea. ... The rubber plant was rubb'ring round In a manner most absurd: The long green corn prickled up her ears And this is what she heard: Wot's tomato wid you you beat
The rubber plant was rubb'ring round In a manner most absurd: The long green corn prickled up her ears And this is what she heard: "Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?" Asked the onion of the hash, "I'm jealous... The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a dilapidated condition
The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a dilapidated condition. "Please help the blind." ... The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on the floor wants to get his eye
The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on the floor wants to get his eye. ... THE SPINSTER--How many lodges did you say your husband belonged to
THE SPINSTER--How many lodges did you say your husband belonged to? THE WIFE--Fifteen. THE SPINSTER--My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen nights a week! Well, I'm glad that I'm an old maid. ...