The rubber plant was rubb'ring round In a manner most absurd: The long green corn prickled up her ears And this is what she heard: Wot's tomato wid you you beat
The rubber plant was rubb'ring round
In a manner most absurd:
The long green corn prickled up her ears
And this is what she heard:
"Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?"
Asked the onion of the hash,
"I'm jealous of the potato,
Because he's got a mash.
"He is stuck on the honeycomb,
And suits her to a tea,
I used to be in love myself,
But the cream has soured on me."
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The hawk was dozing
The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe distance, "as if you were full." "Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark that was a bird." ... The house a lawyer once enjoy'd
"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd, Now to a smith doth pass; How naturally the iron age Succeeds the age of brass!" ... The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated
The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated. ... The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell When did you last see your sister
The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell, "When did you last see your sister?" The policeman replied: "The last time I saw her, Judge, was about eight months ago, when she called at my home, and I was out." "Then you did not see her on t... The kerosene can on the mantel reposes Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher
The kerosene can on the mantel reposes, Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire, And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is, This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher. ... The landlord came to Mrs
The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hooligan, "I'm so glad that you intend to raise it for me as Dan aint' ... The man who was run over by the cars the other day is now out of danger
"The man who was run over by the cars the other day, is now out of danger." "That's good." "He died this morning." ... THE MAN--Edison's a wonder isn't he
THE MAN--Edison's a wonder, isn't he? THE MAID--I don't think so! You can't turn his incandescent lights down low. ... The modern drummer is not much like the month of March
The modern drummer is not much like the month of March. March is said to come in a lion and go out a lamb, while the drummer comes in a lyin' and goes out a lyin'. ... The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed Fight On must have a grudge against them
The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight On," must have a grudge against them. ... THE ONLY REMEDY--Mamma I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me
THE ONLY REMEDY--"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me." "Why, dear?" "'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out." ... The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth and pounced on him at once
The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at once. "Is that what you do at home?" he asked indignantly. "Oh, no," answered the boy quickly, "we have clean knive... The portrait tumbled from the wall And hit the young man's head
The portrait tumbled from the wall And hit the young man's head. "A striking likeness!" That was all The rueful punster said. ... The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out
The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker lays out his man before he boxes him. ... The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous
The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous. A sea captain boasts that he finished loading a cargo of wheat at San Francisco by dinner time, and then went to China for tea. ... The rubber plant was rubb'ring round In a manner most absurd: The long green corn prickled up her ears And this is what she heard: Wot's tomato wid you you beat
The rubber plant was rubb'ring round In a manner most absurd: The long green corn prickled up her ears And this is what she heard: "Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?" Asked the onion of the hash, "I'm jealous... The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a dilapidated condition
The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a dilapidated condition. "Please help the blind." ... The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on the floor wants to get his eye
The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on the floor wants to get his eye. ... THE SPINSTER--How many lodges did you say your husband belonged to
THE SPINSTER--How many lodges did you say your husband belonged to? THE WIFE--Fifteen. THE SPINSTER--My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen nights a week! Well, I'm glad that I'm an old maid. ... The stork is a bird with a great big bill; He brings us the babies whenever he will; Then comes the doctor and when he is through You find that he has a big bill too
The stork is a bird with a great big bill; He brings us the babies whenever he will; Then comes the doctor, and when he is through, You find that he has a big bill, too. ... The street car lurched
The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump! But got up with a happy smile, And to the young man said: "Please, sir, How many laps are to the mile?" ... The sunshine warm and budding trees Made Johnny feel quite gay
The sunshine warm and budding trees, Made Johnny feel quite gay. He went to swim--the obsequies Are being held to-day. ... The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always enjoy a little loaf
The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always enjoy a little loaf. ... The weary desert stretched for miles
The weary desert stretched for miles. Stretched for sheer weariness. Not a drop of water was in sight. Then it was that the traveler had an inspiration. He wrung his hands. ... THE WIFE (savagely)--Don't let me catch you flirting
THE WIFE (savagely)--Don't let me catch you flirting. THE HUSBAND (meekly)--No, dear, never again. That's the way you did catch me, you know! ... The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards
"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards." It was the frivolous man who spoke. "Can you think of another?" The serious man scowled up from his newspaper. "Tut-tut!" he cried contemptuously. And they rode on in silence... There appears to be no affinity between the prestidigitator and the theatrical manager yet they both make passes
There appears to be no affinity between the prestidigitator and the theatrical manager, yet they both make passes. ... There are many sweet entrancing moments in this life but when a man steps on your pet corn you do not experience one of them
There are many sweet, entrancing moments in this life, but when a man steps on your pet corn you do not experience one of them. ... There goes a man who leads in letters
"There goes a man who leads in letters." "Ah, indeed! What's his name?" "A.A. Adams." ... There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear
"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear." "Ah, had a military training, I suppose." "No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were both janitors." ...