TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me
TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me.
ANDARRY--Ah! You want one ready maid.
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Things are wrong remarked the observer of events and things
when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to
practice and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new piano doesn't
"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things, "when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to practice, and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new piano doesn't." ... This is an interesting clock Miss said the salesman you really should have one especially if you're bothered with tiresome callers
"This is an interesting clock, Miss," said the salesman, "you really should have one, especially if you're bothered with tiresome callers." "It's merely a cuckoo clock, isn't it?" asked Miss May Pechis. "Yes, but beginning at 10 P.M., instead... This is our latest novelty said the manufacturer proudly
"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly. "Good work, isn't it?" "Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to the goods we make." "Oh! are you in this line, too?" "No. We make gunpowder." ... This life's a game of chance they say: The saw's more sad than witty The public gathers 'round to play The trust controls the kitty
This life's a game of chance, they say: The saw's more sad than witty, The public gathers 'round to play, The trust controls the "kitty." ... This liver is awful Maud said Mr
"This liver is awful, Maud," said Mr. Newwed. "I'm very sorry," returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to speak to the livery-man about it." ... This murmured the demure maiden when her lover nudged up still closer on the sofa is the closest call I've ever had
"This," murmured the demure maiden, when her lover nudged up still closer on the sofa, "is the closest call I've ever had." ... This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel
"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel." "What possible connection is there between the two?" "It's practically having words over nothing." ... Three women may a secret keep If as it has been said There's one of the lot has heard it not And the other two are dead
Three women may a secret keep If, as it has been said, There's one of the lot has heard it not And the other two are dead. ... To-morrow never comes they say; But all such talk is idle gush For when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush
To-morrow never comes, they say; But all such talk is idle gush, For when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush. ... Tom--I kissed her when she wasn't looking
Tom--I kissed her when she wasn't looking. Clara--What did she do? Tom--Kept her eyes closed the rest of the evening. ... TOM--I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day
TOM--"I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day. What did he hit?" DICK--"Nothing." HARRY--"Why, I heard he shot himself in the foot." DICK--"That's what I said." ... Tom--What's that
Tom--What's that? A two-dollar bill! You told me this morning that you were broke. Jack--Well, I want you to understand that Japan isn't the only one that can borrow money. ... TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me
TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me. ANDARRY--Ah! You want one ready maid. ... Tommy said mamma tearfully it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you
"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you." TOMMY (also tearfully)--Mebbe it does, but not in the same place. ... TOMMY--Pa did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase
TOMMY--Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase? PA--Just come here, sir, and I'll show you. TOMMY--Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just broke it. ... TOMMY--Yes cats can see in the dark and so can Ethel; 'cause when Mr
TOMMY--Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; 'cause when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, Arthur, you didn't get shaved to-day." ... Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers
"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal umpires. One life for each inning." ... TRAMP--Can't you give a poor man something to eat
TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in the war and can't work." Woman-"Where was you shot?" "In the spinal column, mum." "Go 'way! There was no such battle." ... Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring
Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring. Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey, how dirty you are!" "Vell, what you tink?" said Abey, "I'm three years older dan you." ... Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair
Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure, it's married I am," said Murphy. "You don't tell me so," said Moran. "Faix, yes," said Murphy, "an' I've got a fine h... Two wrongs don't make a right
"Two wrongs don't make a right." "Yes, they do." "How so?" "Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that was wrong, but it made me right." ... VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you for publication
VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you for publication? EDITOR--No, not very much poetry as a rule; some of it is verse, and some of it is worse. ... VISITOR--Oh what a nice parrot you've got
VISITOR--"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty Polly! Polly want a cracker?" PARROT--"Oh, come off! I'm not as green as I look." ... We are told that Gen
We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a tack. ...