Answered
_She:_ "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?"
_He:_ "A bachelor."
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Actors
The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told a friend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally. "The ostrich," he explained in a pitying tone, "lays an egg weighing anywhere from two to four pounds." ... Advertising
The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did. "Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks... Affection
There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the incident of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on calling to condole with the parents found the f... Alibi
The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic--all in vain. Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and cried: "John Henry, are you out there... All Brains
A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture, and a weak-looking little cripple, who,... All In One Breath
_Wife:_ "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the way, what are _you_ going to buy him?" ... Amnesty
The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled frown. "Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I can't quite place you somehow." "Let bygones be bygones, mum," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I w... An Alias
_Miss Hen:_ "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as 'Chanticleer'!" * * * _Lady_ (_to prospective daily housemaid_): "The ho... An Argument
"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense." "Why do you say so?" "Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite." ... An Error In Judgment
_Mother:_ "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boys don't fight." _Johnnie:_ "Yes, I know that. I thought he was a good little boy, but after I hit him once, I found he wasn't." * * *... An Extensive Love
_She:_ "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on." _He:_ "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she is." * * * ... Anatomy
The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his message in these words: "Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!" ... Answered
_She:_ "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?" _He:_ "A bachelor." * * * ... Apologizing
"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?" "Yes! I am." "Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about you." * * * ... Appearance
Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in her eyes as she addressed him reb... Appearances
The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said: "May I have the pleasure of this dance?" Two wallflowers answered as with one voice: "With pleasure." ... Appetite
The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred: "Who are you?" "I am Enoch, the egg king." "What is your specialty?" "I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen ... Appreciation
The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some surprise, and remarked: "I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth." "Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the ... Argument
"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg." "Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?" "Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' cou... Arranged To Fit
_Elsie:_ "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an' eat it all up." _Mother:_ "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick." _Elsie:_ "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first." * ... Art And Nature
_Husband:_ "What was that you were playing, my dear?" _Wife:_ "Did you like it?" "It was lovely--the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!" "It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was horrid." "Well, the steak was burn... Athletics
The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her after field day, at which she had been present. "And how they did applaud when you broke that record!" Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly. "Pa didn't appl... Authors
A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors. These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he excused himself from the table with... Babies
The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed gaze attracted the mother's attention...