Bottled Courage
"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"
"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This
stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."
* * *
"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause
him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.
"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said
Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."
* * *
More
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Bears
The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown away everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was gaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand. As he came into a small clearing, he faced about with his back to a st... Beer
The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a letter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent of prohibition--possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows: "Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some ee... Beggars
The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of the profiteer: "If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door." The mistress sniffed contemptuously: "Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend." ... Beginners
A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing wildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable things. The passenger, naturally enoug... Betrothal
The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of the nuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired: "When are you to be married, Nora?" "Indade, an' it's niver at... Better Unsaid
_Cholly Lyttlebrayne:_ "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars." _Miss Thotless:_ "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!" * * * ... Bigamy
What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. * * * The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married three times inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years. He s... Birth
The little girl in the zoölogical park tossed bits of a bun to the stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for more. "What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked. The mother read the placard, and answered that... Black Superstition
_Architect:_ "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?" _Quickrich:_ "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study." * * * ... Blessing
The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfe... Blind
A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box disappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper chuckled, and pointed to the window. "I ... Blindness
The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard during a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time. "And, of course," she commente... Blockhead
The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his finger. "Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch your head." ... Blood Relations
_Actor:_ "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?" _Fulpurse:_ "Yes; they are ever bleeding me." * * * There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and a cab. The c... Blue Blood
_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?" _Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us." * * * _Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly,... Bone Of Contention
The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat fellow-passenger. "I caught you that time!" the fat ... Bottled Courage
"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?" "My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose." * ... Breakfast
The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel: "You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast." "An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully. The Colonel... Brevity
The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars, afte... Bribery
A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to the captain, with the direction th... Brutality
Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called the conductor as referee. "If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will probably die." "If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certain... Burglary
A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line: "Guess who sent them." The pair had much a... But He's On His Way
Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him. "What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked. "Suh?" "I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?" U... Calmness
In Bret Harte's _Mary McGillup_, there is a notable description of calmness in most trying circumstances. "'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss McGillup?'" asked the vandal officer. "In a moment I was perfectly calm. W... Candor
Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called. "I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise. The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered absent-mindedly: "Yes, you certainly do." "Oh, you... Cards
A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two hours later, the jug was gone. He ... Carelessness
The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons. "My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket." ... Caterpillars
The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the can, much perplexed. "Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?" "They climb tre... Cats
Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much pride as ever a policeman had in h... Cause And Effect
"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness." "Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one." * * * "He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer say... Cause And Effect
"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill." "Sour grapes always _did_ have that effect." * * * ... Caustic
A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds himself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over drawn, and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to suggest that he had better bring i...