Caustic
A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds
himself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over drawn,
and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to
suggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear it altogether.
"Oh, aye," replied the pawky one. "I'm £60 short am I? Will ye just look
up an' tell me hoo my account stood in June?"
"Oh," the banker said, "you were all right then; you had £250 to your
credit."
"Aye, an' did I ring you up in June?" was the caustic rejoinder.
* * *
The newly-elected president of a banking institution was being
introduced to the employees. He singled out one of the men in the
cashier's cage, questioning him in detail about his work, etc. "I have
been here forty years," said the cashier's assistant, with conscious
pride, "and in all that time I only made one slight mistake."
"Good," replied the president. "Let me congratulate you. But hereafter
be more careful."
* * *
_First Sailor_ (_searching vainly for his ship after a few hours'
leave_): "But she was 'ere when we went ashore, wasn't she?"
_Second Sailor:_ "It's them blokes at Washington. They've started
scrappin' the fleet, an' begun on us."
* * *
More
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Birth
The little girl in the zoölogical park tossed bits of a bun to the stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for more. "What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked. The mother read the placard, and answered that... Black Superstition
_Architect:_ "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?" _Quickrich:_ "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study." * * * ... Blessing
The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfe... Blind
A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box disappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper chuckled, and pointed to the window. "I ... Blindness
The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard during a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time. "And, of course," she commente... Blockhead
The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his finger. "Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch your head." ... Blood Relations
_Actor:_ "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?" _Fulpurse:_ "Yes; they are ever bleeding me." * * * There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and a cab. The c... Blue Blood
_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?" _Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us." * * * _Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly,... Bone Of Contention
The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat fellow-passenger. "I caught you that time!" the fat ... Bottled Courage
"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?" "My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose." * ... Breakfast
The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel: "You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast." "An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully. The Colonel... Brevity
The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars, afte... Bribery
A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to the captain, with the direction th... Brutality
Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called the conductor as referee. "If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will probably die." "If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certain... Burglary
A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line: "Guess who sent them." The pair had much a... But He's On His Way
Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him. "What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked. "Suh?" "I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?" U... Calmness
In Bret Harte's _Mary McGillup_, there is a notable description of calmness in most trying circumstances. "'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss McGillup?'" asked the vandal officer. "In a moment I was perfectly calm. W... Candor
Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called. "I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise. The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered absent-mindedly: "Yes, you certainly do." "Oh, you... Cards
A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two hours later, the jug was gone. He ... Carelessness
The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons. "My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket." ... Caterpillars
The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the can, much perplexed. "Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?" "They climb tre... Cats
Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much pride as ever a policeman had in h... Cause And Effect
"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness." "Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one." * * * "He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer say... Cause And Effect
"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill." "Sour grapes always _did_ have that effect." * * * ... Caustic
A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds himself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over drawn, and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to suggest that he had better bring i... Changing Places
"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage." "She has evidently reversed the order of things." "How so?" "_She_ does the dictating now." * * * ... Changing The Subject
_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk about myself all evening." _He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better." _She:_ "Very well, then! Suppose _you_ talk about me for a while." *... Charity
"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who was passing. "A Sister of Charity," was the answer. "Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?" ... Chicken-stealing
The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it open and curtly ordered: "Come out of there, you ornery thief!" There was silence for a few seconds, except ... Christianity
A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth. Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it fearfully, in apprehension that it might b... Christmas
A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a colored man who possessed considerable influence. He suggested to the darky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug of the best whiskey. The colored ... Church
The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious in contributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, when the boxes were being passed, James, aged six, ran his eye over those in the pew, and noticed that a guest of his ... Claiming Acquaintance
_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm." _Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked out by'm onct." * * * ... Classified
_Mrs. Bargain:_ "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the money for a new hat." _Mr. Bargain:_ "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'" * * * ... Cleanliness
The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party, and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and said: "Please, mother, may I sit on m... Community
The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty girl, received information that led him to question her: "Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed, George and Harry, as well as me?" The you... Compensation
Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper: "'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket." ... Compliments
"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past. "Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a titter. The bachelor retorted with icy disdain: ... Concealment
The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone down the street on an errand. S... Conceit
"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked in a tone that was far from humble. "Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better than other folks' virtues." ... Conditional
_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter." _Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling--so long as he doesn't _do_ it when we get back." ... Conscience
The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her sister, two years older: "When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you." "It's... Conservative
He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted. A doz... Constancy
His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with sufficient clearness: "I am dying--yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her--I died--with her name--on my lips, that I--love... Conversion
A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who was locally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed and stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil ... Cookery
The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presently he reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still intact save for one mouthful bitten... Couldn't Resist It
"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef for sale?" "I have," responded the butcher. "And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?" "It is."... Courtesy
The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a court-room. So, the judge directed him: "Speak to the jury, sir--the men sitting behind you on the benches." The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said: "Good-morning, gentlem...