Doctrine
In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more
important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone
to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own
particular tenets. For example, one distinguished minister announced his
text and introduced his sermon as follows:
"'So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did eat at the King's
table, and he was lame on both his feet.'
"My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of human
depravity.--Mephibosheth was lame. Also the doctrine of total
depravity--he was lame on both his feet. Also the doctrine of
justification--for he dwelt in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine of
adoption--'he did eat at the King's table.' Fifth, the doctrine of the
perseverance of the saints--for we read that 'he did eat at the King's
table continually.'"
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Dead Certainty
On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attend the funeral of her fiancé. The mistress gave the required permission sympathetically. "But you're not wearing... Dead Men's Shoes
When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor, asking: "Would you object to my t... Deafness
In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him: "The show is very good, don't you think?" The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied: "Me, I always ta... Declined With Thanks
Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform.... Dedication
The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife. Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly: "I never thought of that. As soon as you are g... Definition
The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word "spine," at his teacher's request. "A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other." ... Degrees In Degradation
Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his waiter. "My God!" he whispered. "... Delay
A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot to death. The widow continued munchi... Denied The Privilege
_The Child:_ "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?" _The Mother:_ "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys." _The Child:_ "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?" * * * ... Devil
Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was leaping about like a jack in the box, and... Diet
The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of the natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish. The girl protested: "But fish ... Digestion
In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very nervous. "Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and rice and citron and chutn... Diplomacy
"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?" "Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about paying your little debts?" "No, I'm going about to see if I've ov... Dirt
We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his partner: "Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!" * * ... Discipline
Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to remonstrate with his mother. "Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he demanded. His mother nodded assent. "Then you better get busy, ma. You mak... Discretion
The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully removed, the boy picked out and ate a fe... Discretion
_Miss Bizzy:_ "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion." _O'Brien:_ "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know about them." ... Divorce
The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a divorce. "Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have to find with your husband." And the wife was explicit: "He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a ... Doctors
A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment. "You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you... Doctrine
In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own particular tenets. For example, one dist... Documentary Evidence
During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German, and offered as proof the hotel register, whic... Dogs
The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smile... Domestic Quarrels
After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman: "Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?" "No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply. "That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?" "Ah sho'l... Doubt
Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which had dealt with the sheep and the goats. "Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb, and father calls me kid." * ... Drama
The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre; at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand. "Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and ch... Dreams
The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of dreams and their significance. During a pause, one of the party turned to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked: "Do you believe that dreams come true?" "Of co... Dress
"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new dress." "How sad! What was it trimmed with?" * * * The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic. "How do they catch l... Drew Blank
The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money. So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about for a day and a half outside the l... Drink
It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit. As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted off, and fell heavily on the cobble... Drugged
The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness. After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had made the arrest. "This fellow is ... During The Quarrel
_He:_ "But if you will allow me to----" _She:_ "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken and I can prove it." * * * ... During Vacation
_The Summer Girl:_ "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really cannot become engaged to you." _The Summer Man:_ "Well--er--could you manage to be a sister to me for a couple of weeks?" * * * ... Duty
The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the conductor: "Can't you go any faster than this?" "Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard." ... Easy Living
The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of feeling: "In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands with vulgar work. The preparing... Economy
One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the next section, and so on. The other Japanese registered scorn. "Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was bette... Economy
_Young Husband:_ "I see that sugar has gone down two points." _Young Wife:_ "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then." * * * _Best Man_ (_seeing couple off on honeymoon_): "Here you are--just a ... Efficiency
In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent importation from Lapland. The dialogue was a... Eggs
The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically. His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was instructed, among other things, to write on ...