Easy Living
The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed
eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of
feeling:
"In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands
with vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by our
niggers, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the
crops--all done by the niggers.... And the selling is done by the
sheriff."
More
-
Doctors
A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment. "You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you... Doctrine
In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own particular tenets. For example, one dist... Documentary Evidence
During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German, and offered as proof the hotel register, whic... Dogs
The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smile... Domestic Quarrels
After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman: "Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?" "No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply. "That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?" "Ah sho'l... Doubt
Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which had dealt with the sheep and the goats. "Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb, and father calls me kid." * ... Drama
The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre; at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand. "Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and ch... Dreams
The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of dreams and their significance. During a pause, one of the party turned to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked: "Do you believe that dreams come true?" "Of co... Dress
"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new dress." "How sad! What was it trimmed with?" * * * The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic. "How do they catch l... Drew Blank
The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money. So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about for a day and a half outside the l... Drink
It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit. As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted off, and fell heavily on the cobble... Drugged
The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness. After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had made the arrest. "This fellow is ... During The Quarrel
_He:_ "But if you will allow me to----" _She:_ "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken and I can prove it." * * * ... During Vacation
_The Summer Girl:_ "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really cannot become engaged to you." _The Summer Man:_ "Well--er--could you manage to be a sister to me for a couple of weeks?" * * * ... Duty
The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the conductor: "Can't you go any faster than this?" "Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard." ... Easy Living
The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of feeling: "In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands with vulgar work. The preparing... Economy
One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the next section, and so on. The other Japanese registered scorn. "Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was bette... Economy
_Young Husband:_ "I see that sugar has gone down two points." _Young Wife:_ "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then." * * * _Best Man_ (_seeing couple off on honeymoon_): "Here you are--just a ... Efficiency
In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent importation from Lapland. The dialogue was a... Eggs
The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically. His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was instructed, among other things, to write on ... Egotism
The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend: "It is only to me that such misfortunes happen." "What's the matter now?" The pessimist answered dolefully: "Don't you see that it is raining?" ... Elephant
A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange animal thereabouts. "Begorra, Oi he... Elopement
Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and asked eagerly for details. "What about her father? Did he catch you?" "Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that the old boy is living with us s... Encouraging
_He:_ "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever?" _She:_ "Er--that clock is half an hour fast." * * * ... Enfranchisement Of Woman
_First Voter:_ "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of course?" _Second Voter:_ "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor." * * * ... Enough
The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch: "Sam, I have a job for you, if you wa... Epitaph
In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription which runs thus: "This monument is erected to the memory of James O'Flinn, who was accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection." ... Evidence
The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been arrested for chicken-stealing: "I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women folks, d... Exclusiveness
One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by suggesting to the man that he reflect more c... Expectancy
An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle. But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had been removed. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom he called, explained that the foreman had ca...