Experts
There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit
pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case
had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky
as to how he had managed to take those chickens and carry them off from
right under the window of the owner's house, and that with a savage dog
loose in the yard. But the thief was not minded to explain. He said:
"Hit wouldn't be of no use, jedge, to try to 'splain dis ting to
you-all. Ef you was to try it you more'n like as not would git yer hide
full o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in any
rascality, jedge, you better stick to de bench, whar you am familiar."
More
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Duty
The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the conductor: "Can't you go any faster than this?" "Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard." ... Easy Living
The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of feeling: "In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands with vulgar work. The preparing... Economy
One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the next section, and so on. The other Japanese registered scorn. "Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was bette... Economy
_Young Husband:_ "I see that sugar has gone down two points." _Young Wife:_ "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then." * * * _Best Man_ (_seeing couple off on honeymoon_): "Here you are--just a ... Efficiency
In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent importation from Lapland. The dialogue was a... Eggs
The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically. His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was instructed, among other things, to write on ... Egotism
The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend: "It is only to me that such misfortunes happen." "What's the matter now?" The pessimist answered dolefully: "Don't you see that it is raining?" ... Elephant
A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange animal thereabouts. "Begorra, Oi he... Elopement
Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and asked eagerly for details. "What about her father? Did he catch you?" "Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that the old boy is living with us s... Encouraging
_He:_ "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever?" _She:_ "Er--that clock is half an hour fast." * * * ... Enfranchisement Of Woman
_First Voter:_ "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of course?" _Second Voter:_ "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor." * * * ... Enough
The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch: "Sam, I have a job for you, if you wa... Epitaph
In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription which runs thus: "This monument is erected to the memory of James O'Flinn, who was accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection." ... Evidence
The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been arrested for chicken-stealing: "I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women folks, d... Exclusiveness
One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by suggesting to the man that he reflect more c... Expectancy
An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle. But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had been removed. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom he called, explained that the foreman had ca... Expense Account
The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows: "Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services longer." The husband, who was present, afterward expr... Experience
The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The mother soothed the weeping boy: "Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the room. She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.... Experts
There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky as to how he had managed to tak... Explicitness
On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was displeased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken her pill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed to do so. "You were very naughty, Emma,... Extravagance
A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches square, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting of diamonds. This was offered at a p... Facts
The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary: "You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief." The other man protested, with a whine in his voice: "Sech talk ain't nice--and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts." ... Familiarity Etc
"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?" "Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except intimate friends." * * * ... Fashion
After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying: "Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some d... Favors
At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly. "Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his ... Femininity
_Julia:_ "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish for." _Gertrude:_ "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in." * * * ... Fighting
The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement: "Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day." The father nodded gravely. "Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it." The little boy's face brightened. "Gee, pop! I hope you made out ... Film Fever
_Nurse:_ "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?" _Guy:_ "Yes, nurse; to the pictures." * * * ... Finance
A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained who she was, and what her mission: "Please, mum, I'se Ophelia. I'se de washerwoman's little girl, an' mama, ... Financiers
"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another. "'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are in jail, too." ... Fishing
The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel of tuna fishing. "Just run out in a small motor boat," he explained, "and anything less than a hundred pounds is poor sport." The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupt... Fishy Record
_First Stenog._ (_reading_): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles on a galleon!" _Second Stenog.:_ "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about them foreign cars." * * * A group of touri... Flattery
An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got out and hurried back to where a woman was... Fleas
The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinner by the distinguished statesman. "Whatever can we talk about?" she demanded anxiously of her mother. Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiant sm... Flirtation
The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him: "Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks... Flood
The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter. "Awful rainy spell--like the flood." "The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring. "_The_ flood--Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat." Th...