Insurance
The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts
paid, etc.
"So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my
house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to
start?"
"We make careful investigation, of course," the agent replied.
The woman flounced toward the door disgustedly.
"Just as I thought," she called over her shoulder. "I knew there was a
catch in it."
More
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Impatience
An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and spat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection: "Seems like Elmiry's falin' drefful slow. Dinged if ... Impudence
The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with his skates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, who had lost a leg at Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man, the boy asked: "Are you going out to-da... In A Fix
_Mrs. Muggins:_ "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her have yours?" _Mr. Muggins:_ "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's name on the handle... In Keeping
"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good housekeeper." "And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning." * * * ... In Order To Be Filled
Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the air, struck the other a resounding blow... In That Case
_She:_ "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, cold water." _He:_ "I guess I have never been really thirsty." * * * ... Inadvertent
_Prospective Bride:_ "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling dress--a wedding dress costs such a lot." _Dressmaker:_ "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it would be out of fashion." * ... Indirection
The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort: "Er--Jenny, do you--think--er--your mother might--er--seriously consider--er--becoming my--er-mother-in-law?" ... Inheritance
A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation where a gang was working, and called the name of Timothy O'Toole. "Who's wantin' me?" inquired a heavy voice. "Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer asked, "did you come from Castlebar, County Mayo?" "I... Initiative
The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying: "It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair." "I shouldn't be surprised," the child replied musingly. "B... Injustice
The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A passer-by asked him what was the matter. "My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens," the boy wailed. "Oh, isn't that too bad!" was the sympathetic response. The child bawled the louder. "An' ma ... Innocence
A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a desire to come in. The following was the dialogue: "I wants to tum in, Sissy." "But you tan't tum in, Tom." ... Inquisitiveness
In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an empty coatsleeve. The sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effort to restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said: "I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost ... Insomnia
The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher. ... Insult
The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the day's work. "Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so insulted!" "Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?" "By your mother!" the wife declared, an... Insurance
The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts paid, etc. "So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to start?" "We make care... Intermission
During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating the audience for a few minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying: "Meanwhile, in order to pass the time, w... Inventors
The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in his morning paper, looked across the damask and silver and cut glass at his wife, and remarked enviously: "These inventors make the money. Take cleaners, now, I'll bet that feller Vacuum has clea... It Worked
A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously. "A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice: "Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?" "The nearest hos... Items
The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on various pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows: Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments 6.00 Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new rib... Jokes
The joke maker's association had a feast. They exploited their humorous abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they insisted that this melancholy person should contribute to the entertainment. He consented, in response to much ... Just Ignorance
_He_ (_dejectedly_): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel." _She:_ "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know anything about _love_?" ... Justice At Last
It was the usual domestic storm. "Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor mother's advice, and never married you!" Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last found voice. "Did your mothe... Justification
_Wife:_ "_Two_ bottles of ginger ale, dear?" _He:_ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our wedding-day?" * * * _First Flapper:_ "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as... Kinship
The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his explanation: "They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt." * * *... Kisses
The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony: "Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?" The clergyman might have replied: "Not yet, but soon." ... Kissing
The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that it was always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she chose to permit it or not. The maiden w... Knowledge
The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv, I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll kno... Laughter
Josh Billings said: "Laff every time yu pheel tickled--and laff once in a while enny how." LAW The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices: "I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permits you to do. For... Lawyers
There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalf of a son languishing in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client as he listened, and decided that ...