No Doubt

"Lend me ten, Tom."



"I think not."



"You won't?"



"I won't."



"You've no doubt of my character, have you?"



"I haven't."



"Well, why won't you, then?"



"Because I have no doubt of your character."



* * *



_Officer_ (_drilling recruits_): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you

do?



_Recruit:_ I yell.



_Officer:_ Yell what?



_Recruit:_ Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.



* * *



_Doctor_ (_at door, to butler_): Tell your master the doctor is here.



_Butler:_ The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving nobody.



* * *



_Young Woman_ (_holding out hand_): Will you please tell me how to

pronounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or

turkwoise?



_Jeweler_ (_after inspecting it_): The correct pronunciation is "glass."



* * *



Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for

several nights. He didn't like it, and growled to his boss: "You've kept

me workin' every night till 9 o'clock for three nights runnin' now, and

I'm worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain't no machine. I can't go forever." His

boss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forever

next pay day."



* * *



The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of

calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he

wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud

tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I've got a message

for you, sir." Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out

of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and

then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a

slip of paper bearing the words: "It's time to get up."



* * *



A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of

stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The

following dialogue took place:



"You've stolen no chickens?"



"No, sah."



"Have you stolen any geese?"



"No, sah."



"Any turkeys?"



"No, sah."



The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before

the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo' de Lawd, squire, if you'd

said ducks you'd 'a' had me."



* * *



A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see

his married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents

of the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty

trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and

looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sort

of thing?"



* * *