Poker
Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in
France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind.
"I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy.
The Yankee did not hesitate.
"I ain't exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll bump it up four
tons."
More
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Peacemaker
The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your brains out!" "It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I stepped in between t... Pension
The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing, but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No. 98,325,423, based his application for succor up... Perfect Agreement
_Mother:_ "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you agree once in a while?" _Georgia:_ "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I." * * * _She:_ Jack is in love ... Perhaps!
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The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a discouraged tone: "Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tuesday, and the next day Wednesday--the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!" *... Philanthropy
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Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness: "Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?" "Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?" "It ain't swear... Physiology
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The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in service. "You seem to have had a good many situations," was the lady's comment as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all told?" "Fifteen, all told," ... Played Them Both Up
A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the appearance of the hoop's owner. He a... Playing Possum
"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I done watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de 'possum done come out of his hole. An... Plumber
The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink. The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the hours for which he drew pay. He ma... Poetry
The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to perhaps, but not too well; f... Point Of View
A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after their return to Boston, the visitor was... Poker
Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind. "I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy. The Yankee did not hesitate. "I ain't exactly onto your currenc... Politeness
The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttons to learn whether he was rich man, poor ... Politics
The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a petition. "Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves." The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on the campaign, regarded his son th... Popular Opinion
_First Burglar:_ "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin' dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!" _Second Burglar:_ "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?" * * * ... Population
Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to the population of the city. "Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a hundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites." ... Postal
It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and postmistresses who have profited from their contact with the communities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is ... Praise
One negro workman was overheard talking to another: "I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat nigger Sam ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole him yoh shohly is!" ... Prayer
The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked advice, the reply, though well intent... Preacher
A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He concluded his appeal as follows: "Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a Slid... Precaution
When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted: "Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de full solemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been ... Precociousness
A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened the door. "Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired. Little Willie answered with formal politeness: "I'm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?" ... Precocity
The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club. "I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces." "Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said ... Prematureness
Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat down in the same seat. "How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired. Jakey started nervously. "Sh!" he whispered. "It vas next week." ... Preparedness
The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to himself: "It's pretty near time for me to ket a lickin', I guess I'd better sit in it." ...