The Gloomy Guest
Cause And Effect
What He Preferred
Played Them Both Up
Random Stories Jokes
Thirteen To One
With A Reservation
Stories Jokes Home
The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the
country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained
that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked
advice, the reply, though well intentioned, sounded ambiguous:
"All you should do vill pe youst to bray for him, as usual."
* * *
A Scotch missionary in the Far East suffered ill fortune in his
marriages, for two wives in succession yielded to the trying climate and
died. The missionary had depended on the Board at home to select his
previous mates, and he wrote for a third. When due time had elapsed, he
journeyed to the seaport to meet the steamer by which his new mate
should arrive. At the appointed hour, as the boat drew in, he stood on
the dock anxiously waiting. Among the few passengers to descend the
gangplank, it was easy for him to select the one destined for him. At
sight of her, he shuddered slightly, and a groan burst from his lips.
"Freckles," he muttered despairingly, "and red headed, and with
squint--for the third time!--and after all my prayers!"
* * *
Charles had attained the age of five when he attended a football game
for the first time. It cannot be doubted that he was profoundly
impressed by the excitement on the gridiron, for at bedtime his mother
was horrified to hear him utter his nightly prayer thus:
"God bless papa! God bless mama! God bless Charlie! Rah! Rah! Rah!"
* * *
At the request of his wife, the husband opened a can of peaches. When he
finally reappeared, the wife asked demurely:
"What did you use to open that can, Jim?"
"Can-opener, of course," the husband grunted. "What d'ye think I opened
"From the language I heard, I thought perhaps you were opening it with
* * *
The newspaper report of the special Sunday services contained the
following impressive description of the prayer:
"The most eloquent prayer ever addressed to a Boston audience."
* * *
The New York Sun published the following:
The toys had been reluctantly laid aside and in her dainty nightie the
little girl, scarcely more than a baby, knelt at her mother's knee.
The eyes, which all day long are alight with mischief, were reverently
closed, and as she haltingly uttered the words of the old, yet ever
young child's prayer her rapt face, raised occasionally from her dimpled
hands, took on an expression almost seraphic in its innocent purity.
With a fervent "Amen" she ended her supplication, then jumped up, eyes
dancing, and exclaimed:
"Now let's say 'Little Jack Horner sat in the corner.' I knows it
* * *
A little boy was asked if he prayed when he attended church, and he
answered that he always did. On being questioned as to the nature of his
prayer, he explained that he always repeated it when the others in the
congregation made their silent prayer just before the sermon, and he
"I just say the little prayer mother taught me--'Now I lay me down to
* * *
A prayer showing a ghastly confusion of metaphors is on record as having
been offered extemporaneously in behalf of Queen Adelaide during the
reign of that sovereign. The words as quoted were these:
"O Lord, save thy servant, our Sovereign Lady, the Queen. Grant that as
she grows an old woman, she may become a new man. Strengthen her with
Thy blessing that she may live a pure virgin, bringing her sons and
daughters to the glory of God. And give her grace that she may go before
her people like a he-goat upon the mountains."
* * *
As the boat was sinking, the skipper lifted his voice to ask:
"Does anybody know how to pray?"
One man spoke confidently in answer:
"Yes, Captain, I do."
The captain nodded.
"That's all right then," he declared. "You go ahead and pray. The rest
of us will put on life-belts. They're one short."