Preacher
A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote
to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He
concluded his appeal as follows:
"Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a
Sliding Elder. If you can't send a Sliding Elder, send us a Stationary
Preacher. If you can't spare him, send us a Circus Eider. If you can't
spare him, send us a Locust Preacher. And if you can't send a Locust
Preacher, send us an Exhauster."
More
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Phonetics
Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness: "Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?" "Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?" "It ain't swear... Physiology
The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear as the organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat to her what they had learned. The... Plain Speaking
The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in service. "You seem to have had a good many situations," was the lady's comment as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all told?" "Fifteen, all told," ... Played Them Both Up
A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the appearance of the hoop's owner. He a... Playing Possum
"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I done watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de 'possum done come out of his hole. An... Plumber
The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink. The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the hours for which he drew pay. He ma... Poetry
The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to perhaps, but not too well; f... Point Of View
A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after their return to Boston, the visitor was... Poker
Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind. "I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy. The Yankee did not hesitate. "I ain't exactly onto your currenc... Politeness
The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttons to learn whether he was rich man, poor ... Politics
The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a petition. "Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves." The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on the campaign, regarded his son th... Popular Opinion
_First Burglar:_ "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin' dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!" _Second Burglar:_ "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?" * * * ... Population
Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to the population of the city. "Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a hundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites." ... Postal
It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and postmistresses who have profited from their contact with the communities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is ... Praise
One negro workman was overheard talking to another: "I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat nigger Sam ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole him yoh shohly is!" ... Prayer
The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked advice, the reply, though well intent... Preacher
A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He concluded his appeal as follows: "Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a Slid... Precaution
When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted: "Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de full solemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been ... Precociousness
A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened the door. "Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired. Little Willie answered with formal politeness: "I'm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?" ... Precocity
The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club. "I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces." "Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said ... Prematureness
Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat down in the same seat. "How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired. Jakey started nervously. "Sh!" he whispered. "It vas next week." ... Preparedness
The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to himself: "It's pretty near time for me to ket a lickin', I guess I'd better sit in it." ... Pride
The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity. "Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama has electricity on her head, and grandma has gas o... Prison Reform
The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform in conditions at the State Penitentiary: "Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in... Privilege
The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavy stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen beside him. The latter looked astonished.... Probably
"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?" "Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything." * * * ... Procrastination
The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the general utility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith shop and bring back a drill which had be... Profanity
The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpreted in a burst of language that shocked the lady passing by. She regarded him reprovingly, as she demanded: "My man, where did you learn such awful language?" "Where did I lear... Profiteers
The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new country estate. "And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual animals--horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth." "Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you... Progress
The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On his return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife. "How does John get along with his r... Prohibition
The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly: "Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did." "You are raving," declared the defender of the Eighteenth Amendment. "How do you make that out?" "Well, to begin with, there was the Flood." ... Prolific
The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother. "And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked. "Aaron," was the answer. A few days later, the teacher inquire...