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"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal
Court.

"Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door.

He was seized by an officer and hauled back.

"Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate.

"I'll take the ten dollars," announced the prisoner.

Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit information as to his
opinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to be
caught and brought back a second time.

The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished him
severely, in these words:

"If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not have
been chased and refined."

* * *

A member of the Lambs' Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality in
the matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actors
entered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited
him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly:

"I'm writing my autobiography."

"With the accent on the 'bi'?" One of the newcomers suggested
sarcastically.

"No," his friend corrected, "with the accent on the 'auto'."

* * *

The stallion that had been driven in from the plains was a magnificent
creature, but so fierce that no man dared approach closely. Then the
amiable lunatic appeared on the scene. He took a halter, and went
toward the dangerous beast. And as he went, he muttered softly:

"So, bossy; so bossy; so bossy."

The stallion stood quietly and allowed the halter to be slipped over his
head without offering any resistance.

The horse was cowed.

* * *

When Mr. Choate was ambassador to the Court of St. James, he was present
at a function where his plain evening dress contrasted sharply with the
uniforms of the other men. At a late hour, an Austrian diplomat approach
him, as he stood near the door, obviously taking him for a servant, and
said:

"Call me a cab."

Choate answered affably:

"You're a cab, sir."

The diplomat indignantly went to the host and explained that a servant
had insulted him. He pointed to Choate. Explanations ensued, and the
diplomat was introduced to the American, to whom he apologized.

"That's all right," declared Choate, smiling. "If you had been
better-looking, I'd have called you a hansom cab."

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