Puns


"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal

Court.



"Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door.



He was seized by an officer and hauled back.



"Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate.



"I'll take the ten dollars," announced the prisoner.



Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit informat
on as to his

opinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to be

caught and brought back a second time.



The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished him

severely, in these words:



"If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not have

been chased and refined."



* * *



A member of the Lambs' Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality in

the matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actors

entered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited

him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly:



"I'm writing my autobiography."



"With the accent on the 'bi'?" One of the newcomers suggested

sarcastically.



"No," his friend corrected, "with the accent on the 'auto'."



* * *



The stallion that had been driven in from the plains was a magnificent

creature, but so fierce that no man dared approach closely. Then the

amiable lunatic appeared on the scene. He took a halter, and went

toward the dangerous beast. And as he went, he muttered softly:



"So, bossy; so bossy; so bossy."



The stallion stood quietly and allowed the halter to be slipped over his

head without offering any resistance.



The horse was cowed.



* * *



When Mr. Choate was ambassador to the Court of St. James, he was present

at a function where his plain evening dress contrasted sharply with the

uniforms of the other men. At a late hour, an Austrian diplomat approach

him, as he stood near the door, obviously taking him for a servant, and

said:



"Call me a cab."



Choate answered affably:



"You're a cab, sir."



The diplomat indignantly went to the host and explained that a servant

had insulted him. He pointed to Choate. Explanations ensued, and the

diplomat was introduced to the American, to whom he apologized.



"That's all right," declared Choate, smiling. "If you had been

better-looking, I'd have called you a hansom cab."



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