Speed
In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class
concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this
statement:
"It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years to
write his famous poem, 'Elegy in a Country Churchyard.' Had he been
proficient in stenography, he could have done it in seven minutes. We
have had students who have written it in that length of time."
* * *
The young lady interested in botany inquired of the gentleman who had
been traveling in the South.
"What sort of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"
"That is not a plant," was the answer, given wearily; "it's a railroad."
More
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Schedule
Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter: "Is this Rome, ma?" "What day of the week is it, Matilda?" "Tuesday. What of it?" "If it's Tuesday, it mu... Scientific Proof
One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said: "Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke." ... Scotched!
A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast, "Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch." "That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon." The farmer st... Seasickness
On the first morning of the voyage, the vessel ran into a nasty choppy sea, which steadily grew worse. There were twenty-five passengers at the captain's table for dinner, and he addressed them in an amiable welcoming speech: "I hope that all twe... Sectarian
Once upon a time a coach was held up by a road-agent. The driver explained to the robber that his only passenger was a man, who was asleep inside. The highwayman insisted that the traveler be awakened. "I want to go through his pockets!" he declared... Self-betrayal
The old lady was very aristocratic, but somewhat prim and precise. Nevertheless, when the company had been telling of college pranks, she relaxed slightly, and told of a lark that had caused excitement in Cambridge when she was a girl there. This wa... Sermon
The aged colored clergyman, who made up in enthusiasm what he lacked in education, preached a sermon on the verse of the Psalm, "Awake, Psaltery and Harp! I myself will awake right early." The explanation of the words, which preceded the exhortation... She Could Use Him
"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at hard labour." "Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court room, "will yo' Honah jes' spl... She Took Them
"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman. "They seem rather indistinct." "But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your face is not at all plain." * * ... Sheep And Goats
The little girl was deeply impressed by the clergyman's sermon as to the separation of the sheep and the goats. That night after she had gone to bed, she was heard sobbing, and the mother went to her, to ask what was the matter. "It's about the g... Shiftlessness
The shiftless man, who preferred reading to labor, closed the book on French history, which he had been perusing with great interest, and addressed his wife. "Do you know, Mary," he asked impressively, "what I would have done if I had been in Nap... Shipwreck
The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the various stories that were told in the smoking room. They were good stories, and obviously lies, and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had gone before. Finally, the company ins... Slander
The business man's wife, who had called at his office, regarded the pretty young stenographer with a baleful eye. "You told me that your typewriter was an old maid," she accused. The husband, at a loss, faltered in his reply, but at last contriv... Slavery
A traveler in the South chatted with an aged negro, whom he met in the road. "And I suppose you were once a slave?" he remarked. "Yes, suh," the old colored man answered. "And, so, after the war, you gained your freedom," the gentleman conti... Slighted
"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready to be friends again." "_Misunderstanding_, indeed! If you had any _feeling_ you'd call it a quarrel." * * * ... Smells
An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time of service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them. The question at issue was as to which smells the louder, a goat or a Turk. The colonel was made arbiter. He sat ju... Social Uplift
The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed her call on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart. The unwilling hostess shook her head at the visitor's promise to come again. "And excuse me if I don't return th... Spanking
Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she could spank him no more for physical... Speed
In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this statement: "It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years to write his famous poem, 'Elegy in a... Spelling
Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, he was conveyed along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native of the region. As they came to a sma... Spinsterhood
The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approaching middle age. "When is you gwine to git married, missy?" "I don't know, mammy," was the thoughtful reply. "R... Spite
The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted, with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday. "I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral. She died the other day." A few weeks lat... Sportsmanship
In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach, and took aim. A companion called to him sharply: "You're not going to shoot the bird while it's walking?... Spring
The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring the new life comes to the earth, with the growth of grasses and leaves and flowers, how this life matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then she called on the class to repeat the i... Stammering
On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until at last the doctor appeared in the doorway. "Oh, oh, tell me," he gasped, "what is it--a boy or a girl?" "Tr-t... Style
Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one bethought himself to ask concerning the other's wife, whom he had never seen. That lady was described by her husband... Such A Waste
_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?" _Casey:_ "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av. 'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she... Sucked!
It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the picture palace. On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it's so rude when... Sunday School
The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded pair. "I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you send your children?" When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet, she ... Superman
It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It chanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his study upstairs. As the argument in the drawing... Superstition
The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse Fair" by Rosa Bonheur. "Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not a red-headed girl in sight." ... Sure Signs
"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?" "Twins." * * * ... Suspense
The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows: "Adored of my soul:--If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a white rose." She wore a yellow rose. ... Suspicion
The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries. "It is the first time," said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matter of public policy." "That is so," the oth... Suspicious
It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground. "Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that t... Sympathy
A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the door, and, in surprise at sight of him on ...