Such A Waste
_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing
the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"
_Casey:_ "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av.
'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."
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More
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Slander
The business man's wife, who had called at his office, regarded the pretty young stenographer with a baleful eye. "You told me that your typewriter was an old maid," she accused. The husband, at a loss, faltered in his reply, but at last contriv... Slavery
A traveler in the South chatted with an aged negro, whom he met in the road. "And I suppose you were once a slave?" he remarked. "Yes, suh," the old colored man answered. "And, so, after the war, you gained your freedom," the gentleman conti... Slighted
"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready to be friends again." "_Misunderstanding_, indeed! If you had any _feeling_ you'd call it a quarrel." * * * ... Smells
An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time of service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them. The question at issue was as to which smells the louder, a goat or a Turk. The colonel was made arbiter. He sat ju... Social Uplift
The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed her call on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart. The unwilling hostess shook her head at the visitor's promise to come again. "And excuse me if I don't return th... Spanking
Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she could spank him no more for physical... Speed
In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this statement: "It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years to write his famous poem, 'Elegy in a... Spelling
Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, he was conveyed along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native of the region. As they came to a sma... Spinsterhood
The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approaching middle age. "When is you gwine to git married, missy?" "I don't know, mammy," was the thoughtful reply. "R... Spite
The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted, with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday. "I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral. She died the other day." A few weeks lat... Sportsmanship
In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach, and took aim. A companion called to him sharply: "You're not going to shoot the bird while it's walking?... Spring
The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring the new life comes to the earth, with the growth of grasses and leaves and flowers, how this life matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then she called on the class to repeat the i... Stammering
On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until at last the doctor appeared in the doorway. "Oh, oh, tell me," he gasped, "what is it--a boy or a girl?" "Tr-t... Style
Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one bethought himself to ask concerning the other's wife, whom he had never seen. That lady was described by her husband... Such A Waste
_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?" _Casey:_ "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av. 'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she... Sucked!
It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the picture palace. On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it's so rude when... Sunday School
The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded pair. "I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you send your children?" When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet, she ... Superman
It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It chanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his study upstairs. As the argument in the drawing... Superstition
The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse Fair" by Rosa Bonheur. "Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not a red-headed girl in sight." ... Sure Signs
"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?" "Twins." * * * ... Suspense
The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows: "Adored of my soul:--If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a white rose." She wore a yellow rose. ... Suspicion
The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries. "It is the first time," said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matter of public policy." "That is so," the oth... Suspicious
It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground. "Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that t... Sympathy
A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the door, and, in surprise at sight of him on ... Sympathy
_Freddie_ (_aged six_): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me for my birfday?" _His Mother:_ "Yes, dear! What of it?" _Freddie:_ "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick." ... Sympathy
_The Tabby-Cat:_ "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest kittens, and they went and gave one away!" _The Parrot:_ "Wasn't it too bad of them--to go and break the set?" * * * ... Tact
The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice. "Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of ... Talking Machine
Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news item of a country paper: "Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding her hus...