The New Appreciation

_Wife_ (_habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her

husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I

wonder who he is?"



* * *



_Lady:_ "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book."



_Author_ (_delighted_): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"



_Lady:_ "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."



* * *



_Employer_ (_inspecting a very inflated bill for work_): "Look here--how

did you get at this amount?"



_Odd Jobs Man:_ "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it

up, so I just charged by time."



_Employer:_ "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by

eternity."



* * *



_Tourist:_ "Have you any cold meat?"



_Waiter:_ "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."



* * *



_Lady:_ "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch

to-day?"



_Cook:_ "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions.

You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so

red."



* * *



_Small Boy_ (_on being told by cousin that she is engaged to be

married_): "Oh! (_long pause_) and what did your husband say when he

engaged you?"



* * *



_Master:_ "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"



_Butler:_ "Well, Sir, _I don't want my name to die out_."



* * *



_Artist_ (_in desperation_): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in my

exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price."



_The Visitor:_ "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is the

price of the catalogue?"



* * *



"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"



"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't

like her most."



* * *



"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his

compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would

you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath

stops overflowing through his ceiling?"



* * *



_Old Lady_ (_interrogating her chauffeur's small boy_): "Well, my little

man, and do you know who I am?"



_Small Boy:_ "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's

car."



* * *



_Parent:_ "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not

always 'fair.'"



_Young Hopeful:_ "I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I'm an

ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."



* * *



_Optimist:_ "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."



_Pessimist:_ "No, but they seem so."



* * *