Thrift
A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:
"Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister."
"Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near--veera near--doin' it, but the
bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And I
was a mon, and noo I jist pass her by."
* * *
The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband with stern disapproval
as he moaned and tossed restlessly from side to side.
"William Henry," she rebuked him, "you jest needn't kick and squirm so,
and wear them best sheets all out, even if you be a-dyin'."
More
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The Consumer Inflamed
"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy. "Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely. "Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy. * * * ... The Difference
_She:_ "I'm so glad we're engaged." _He:_ "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?" _She:_ "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't." * * * ... The Druggist's Turn
The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves. "What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?" "No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?" "Yes, but what--" "Well, t... The Floor Held
"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his friend. "Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?" * * * ... The Gloomy Guest
The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself to cheer him up. "Er--have you k... The Jonah
"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story teaches." "Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches that you can't keep a good ... The New Appreciation
_Wife_ (_habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?" * * * _Lady:_ "I've just been making my side... The Obstacle
_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said." _Fred:_ "What did she say?" _George:_ "No!" * * * ... The Real Job
"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?" "Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies." * * * ... The Road To---- Etc
"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in my good resolutions." "I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next world." * * * ... The Secret
_The Man of Theory:_ "The great secret of happiness lies in being content with one's lot." _The Man of Practice:_ "But it has to be a whole lot." * * * ... The Servant Problem
_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----" _Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!" _Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer----" _Applicant:_ "I beg your pardon, Madam!" _Lady:_ "Well, then, your last--er--pray what do you call those in... The Substitute
A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table if he could have some poached eggs. "We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon." ... The Whole Truth
Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss. "Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?" "Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' ... They Wilt
"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work. "Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?' and they wilt." * ... Thirteen To One
Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he would be glad to do so. Accordingly, ... Threat
The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as the ogre approached forceps in hand: "Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's agai... Thrift
A Scotchman was questioned by a friend: "Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister." "Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near--veera near--doin' it, but the bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And... Time Flies
The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours--first nine, then ten, then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth passionately: "How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!" "Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That'... Tit For Tat
The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly distressed, and reproached the farmer. "Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just beat ... To Be Sure
_Lily:_ "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for me at the piano." _Edith:_ "Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his hands!" * * * ... Tobacco
The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger: "Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins--ninety-eight year old!" The visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair... Toilette Details
The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner. "Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mo... Tongue
An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others. As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands worn by the Doctor were longer than was fit... Too Enthusiastic
_Wifey:_ "Henry, do you think me an angel?" _Hubby:_ "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all women are angels!" "You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!" * * * ... Too Good
"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her employ, "I hear that you have married." "Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now." "Is he a good provider, Alice?" "Yassum. He's powerful good provider, but Ah's powerful sk... Too One-sided
"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget." "That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting." * * * ... Too Sad For That
A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn. "This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked. The innkeeper looked pained. "We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it with all the ca... Too Smart
A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some "welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three watches, marked respectively _£_5, _£_4,... Too True
_Screen Actress:_ I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day. _Manager:_ Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying that you never could act. * * ... Tough On The Senator
The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked the minister about some of his old acquaintances. "How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him to-day?" "You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the m... Treachery
The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes. He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch, the Italian saw a rattlesnake coile... Treasure Trove
An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind, almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn, where he burrowed into the haymow. B... Trial
The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked: "Are you guilty, or not guilty?" The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as he sai...